[Julie Steiner]

DRAFT ONE WITH GREEN TWEAKS

Counterpoint (parts 1-5 of many)                                   Title was: Evolution

1.

Opposable thumbs,
so handy when it comes
to climbing trees, now go to town
sending emoji-selfies, upside down.

2.

From time immemorial,
by which I mean arboreal—
though, technically, most of our number
still live in lumber—
being an ego-toppler
has been poplar.

But those who’d once displace ya
from their acacia
or oak
with a poke
now prompt your downfall with a stroke                              now prompt your downfall with the stroke
of screen or key.                                                            of a screen or key.

Then—monkey see,
monkey do—
those within view
jeer at you,
as if reflexively. That's nothing new.
                                                                                     Section 2, Lines 18-21 were:
Here’s the novelty:                                                            Now, though, millions globally
millions, globally, now might hoot with glee.                         might hoot with glee.
                                                                                     Epicaricacy
Epicaricacy*                                                                      is epic in the epoch of OMG.
is epic in this epoch. OMG.

     * e-pi-car-i-ca-cy:
          From Ancient Greek ἐπιχαιρεκακία (epikhairekakía, “joy upon evil”).
          Rejoicing at or deriving pleasure from the misfortune of others.

3.

From privileged or precarious perches
in birches
or online,
many primates pine
to give—or see—a shove.
We absolutely love
looking down on others from above.

When someone’s sudden plummet to the dust is
viewable as karmic justice,
it’s hard to avoid a
sip of schadenfreude.

That sweet, intoxicating stuff
is irresistible enough
in private, but it’s harder to forswear it
when one can share it.

4.

Society is all about
who is in and who is out.

Nothing fosters brotherhood                                             Nothing promotes brotherhood
like fear of otherhood.                                                       like persecuting otherhood.

When one’s own position seems in doubt,
expressing loud approval
of another’s removal
announces, “I’m still inner,
unlike that sinner.”

5.

Assembling a mob that lusts to lynch                                   Assembling a mob that thirsts to lynch
is a cinch.
Just identify a
pariah,
and soon a festive, restive crowd’s uniting.
A bandwagon’s exciting.                                                  Hopping on a bandwagon’s exciting.
The lonely, weak, and cowardly are drawn
to pile on.

Those of us not lonely, weak,                                             And those of us not lonely, weak,
and cowardly are pretty damn unique.


~ To be continued ~

[Susan McLean]

The rhyming is delightful, though I must say that I had to look up "epicaricacy." Are you sure you want to be that far out there with vocabulary? There are some clichés, such as "hopping on a bandwagon." I don't mind them when you turn them into a pun, as you do with "pile on." I like all of the punning on trees. Have you considered "out of their trees" as an option? "Evolution" seems an odd title when your point is that we haven't evolved one bit.

Susan

[Andrew Frisardi]

Two opposable thumbs up on this one! Delightful from start to finish. The rhymes and wordplay romp.

I haven't bothered to look yet for nits, just enjoying it so far. Looking forward to the rest!

[Roger Slater]

What Andrew said.

[Jim Moonan]

.
I'm looking forward to reading this again, but wanted to echo Susan and Andrew's approval of the rhymes and wit. The rhythm, too, makes it flow without hitching.

There are many spots I could point out to be pleasing, but the rhyme of "identify a / pariah" really made me smile. Since he was ousted just yesterday by congress,It madame think immediately of George Santos.


.

[RCL]

Julie,

This is the verse that you were born to write, up to your wit, wisdom and wonderful rhyming. I'm sure Darwin would appreciate your devolutionary words that amuse and instruct.

[Carl Copeland]

The verse is overwhelmingly iambic, so I question your choice of forum, but non-met will want to keep you, so I won’t lodge a complaint. I agree with Ralph that this is your element, your strong suit, your signature dish. I can’t wait for more—and for the book when it comes out.

[Andrew Frisardi]

I am wondering, in part 2, should "still live in lumber" be "still live on lumber"?

I like the revisions, except the title change. "Evolution" was more fun, though perhaps "Evolving" would work, with its double sense of the poem's thought evolving as well.

[Julie Steiner]

Thanks, Andrew.

I was thinking of the shelter of eaves/overhanging tree canopies as well as of the elevation secured by of floors/trunks.

"still live within lumber", perhaps? "still inhabit lumber"?

I'll think about Evolving as a title. I'm currently leaning toward the stuffier Counterpoints to Human Evolution, but I might change my mind.

Other titles I considered:

Oh, Evolve! (a bumper sticker I often saw in Berkeley in the 1980's. That's more contemptuous than I want to be, though.)

Monkey Business (a reference to what one of John Snopes' high school students said to a reporter in 1925, after testifying to the grand jury about Snopes' teaching: "I believe in part of evolution, but I don't believe in the monkey business." I don't want to start with an epigraph, but I do plan to discuss the Snopes Monkey Trial later in the piece, re the self-appointed defenders of freedom of religion and freedom of speech who somehow keep bringing us things like book-banning, "Don't Say Gay" legislation, and the censorship of "Critical Race Theory".)

After Gibbon (playing off the ape-related name of the eighteenth-century English author of The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire. But I don't agree with his thesis, namely that empires decline and fall when too much peace and luxury—and perhaps Christian teaching—makes their citizens insufficiently bellicose. My own definition of what makes a society great doesn't include the martial glories of empires/authoritarianism.)

[Andrew Frisardi]

One of the reasons that I love this is that the playfulness offsets the didacticism, while the insights give the playfulness bite. The rhyming free verse* keeps things from getting predictable, and as I read I look forward to the next surprise, even as the content is getting me to think. So nicely done, Julie.

[*Editing back in to add: I'd agree with Carl that this is basically iambic, and not really free verse. I'd call it iambic with some substitutions and lots of variation in line lengths. That's what gives it such rapid movement, a very good vehicle for its wittiness.]

My favorite lines at present are “Nothing fosters brotherhood / like fear of otherhood.” Frigging brilliant.

One minor distraction, I noticed last time and this time too, but forgot to mention: do you need the modifier “pretty” in the last line? To me those lines would have more bite and decisiveness without it.

I smiled at your title option “Oh, Evolve!” It reminded me of a story a friend of mine told me. She’d been at a bar, where a guy kept hitting on her obnoxiously. Finally, she looked him straight in the eyes and delivered the imperative: “Evolve.” He might not have taken her advice, but he did leave her alone after that.