[Jan Iwaszkiewicz]

Hubris

The triune; ego, superego, id,
that whole, unholy trinity of me
the god of self, all other gods forbid.
I have created my divinity.

My ‘godness’ neither blessing nor a curse.
I am an evolutionary surge
becoming centre of the universe,
Iconoclast, the final Demiurge.

[Susan McLean]

Jan, I would suggest making S2L1 more parallel by using "a" before both nouns, as in "My ‘godness’ not a blessing nor a curse." You don't need a comma after "whole" in S1L2, but could use one at the end of that line. In S1L1, a comma would seem more appropriate than a semicolon to introduce a list. In S2L3, the wording would sound more natural as "become the centre of the universe."

Susan

[W T Clark]

I personally would find this much more interesting without the title. It would elevate this from somewhat smurious satire to something both more mysteriously powerful & ambiguous.
Hope this helps.

[John Riley]

I agree with Cameron. The title makes it just another misperception of people you don’t agree with. It’s more of the same old stuff. You may have stumbled on some language that has potential. Why hide it under some1980s Jerry Falwell talk?

[James Brancheau]

I like it, but definitely agree with Cameron. Though I do mostly like it because it swings. Because the first two stanzas cover, essentially, the same ground, I would be jumping to write a third stanza.

[Jan Iwaszkiewicz]

Hi Susan,

My punctuation in poetry is often a parallel to riding paying little deference to ‘proper’ rule. I will use commas as half halts, as directives to the reading. Not always well.

Hi Cameron,

I agree the title is woeful. It is not what I meant at all. I expend my energies in writing and flail around when it comes to the title. Initially I tend to use them as directives which is quite wrong. I will chew on it.

Hi John,

This is not political in the way that it seems you have taken it, there is the misperception. I had to look up Falwell and he is no bedfellow of mine. Australian perceptions of American politics and religion tend to be ones of WTF.

This is a tilt at hubris which is unfortunately universal.

Hi James

I agree. But the pen that wrote this ran out of inspirational ink and the titling pen, a dull prosaic one is sluggish in the extreme.

[Jan Iwaszkiewicz]

Thank you all for the push. The title is changed.

[Jim Moonan]

.
It may be more a reflection on me (for a few reasons) than you, but I don't see the satire in this as much as I see what Cameron described as "mysteriously powerful & ambiguous". It feels like the onion being unpeeled. I did like James's suggestion of a third stanza, if for no other reason than to continue the slow stripping of the mystery. I took your explanation as to why that is not possible — "the pen that wrote this ran out of inspirational ink and the titling pen, a dull prosaic one is sluggish in the extreme" — as being a white flag. The triune beast wins : ) Actually, I don't know what more you could say... Maybe you've already managed to synthesize three stanzas into two.

I still think the title handcuffs the poem by denying it the ambiguity that fuels its power. If Cameron's suggestion is to leave it untitled then I like that. I also think Untitled would work.

In the opening line, I wish there was a way to say id, ego, superego slant without direct mention of them. In a way, you do with the second line in S1, but because you've already revealed them by name in L1 it saps some of the power of the vision of the poem away. I think. I'll have to think a bit more, though.

You've gone straight for the jugular with this one. It is a jolt of seeing.

≥

[Alexandra Baez]

Jan, in essence, I love this whole thing. It is so tight. However, I’d have to agree with Susan’s technical points. That’s an interesting play on the phrase “God forbid”—while the language in this line doesn’t quite cohere logically, it seems to make some supralogical sense/s. Also, I think I, too, would prefer a more ambiguous title, or perhaps none.

[Jan Iwaszkiewicz]

I do not think that satire can be served in a compressed form such as this. In that sense it is spurious as this was not penned as, nor is satire.
Hi Jim,

There comes a point where I think I have done enough but this never lasts, there comes a point when I think I have compressed enough and this too never lasts.

I am a little unsure of your comments re ‘triune’ and ‘trinity’. The concept, or at least, my concept of ‘triune’ is the often three part nature that can be drawn of humanity. Fool, Sant, Hero. Poet, Philosopher, Priest. Musician, Mathematician, Hermit. And so on. ‘Trinity’ lol being brought up a catholic constrains much of my perception.

Totally agree Jim about the title. It is an ongoing problem of mine.

Hi Alexandra,

Thank you. I would hope that I can always transcend logic in some way as I see that as the under pinning of poetry as compared to prose.