[Richard G]

.
And Sharpened is a Knife


The owl-light ebbed and from the mist
an axeman came and stood
beside the bed in which lay Jack
and, crouching, spilt his blood.

A sickle moon, all spectre pale,
was slicing through the trees.
An impish voice, like Spring, implored,
"O, can I? Can I? Please."

A vixen in the hedgerow sniffed
the darkness on the wind.
The axeman and his shadow left
an empty patch behind.

A garden path, and here a house
illumined, full of life,
where Jack is on a table set
and sharpened is a knife.

*

Before the plough and palisade,
beneath the Samhain sun,
against the Ceaseless Trespass rang
a dreadful malison:

To scathe the Axe the dead may stir
if they are given eyes
and into them is carved a mouth
and all their heart's excised.

*

The grey dawn talks of accidents
and not of something worse –
a pan forgot, a candle tipped;
unspoken is the Curse

that caused a riven grin to gape
and then, with fire, exclaim
as murdered Jack from Death returned
to scream a scream of flame

that lit the door, that raced the stairs,
that danced across the thatch.
A home become a sepulchre.
The neighbours made to watch.

*

Before the Age of Stone and Iron,
before the Knowing waned –
the Warning Songs were plucked and sung.
Their music scarce remains.

Around the hearth, amidst the feast,
the jangle and the rush,
will Jack be waiting, with a smile,
to burn a world to ash.


_________________

S3 was
As, trembling, a vixen sniffed
the darkness on the wind,
the axeman and his shadow left
an empty patch behind.

S7 was

The grey dawn talks of accidents
and not of fey amerce –
a pan forgot, a candle tipped;
unspoken is the Curse





.

[Taryn Frazier]

Hi Richard,

If you'd asked me a minute ago if pumpkin-carving with your kid could be chilling and sublime, I'd have said no, but here we are. I liked the formal, old feel of this.


Some minor nits I'll pick:

- Most departures from true rhyme added to the authenticity. "Wind/behind" reminds me of S1 in Donne's "Go and catch a falling star." But "waned/remains" in S10 tripped me up.

- I loved some turns of phrase like "sickle moon... slicing" and "riven grin," but a couple ones sounded awesome to my ear but didn't add meaning for me, like "Ceaseless Trespass" and "scathe the Axe."

- I believe "amerce" is a verb, but at least in my reading, it gets used in S7 as a noun. I hope I'm wrong, because I like cool, weird words.

- Some inversions fit with the old vibe like "sharpened is a knife," but I'm not sure about "will Jack be waiting" in S11. Maybe "there Jack will wait, and with a smile / he'll burn a world to ash."

All in all, congrats on creating a creepy ballad with an authentic feel.

Best,
Taryn

[Hilary Biehl]

I just have to ask - are you intentionally referencing Dylan Thomas with "owl-light"?

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Richard—

This is lots of fun! You create a rich, medieval atmosphere into the simple act of carving a Jack-o-lantern. I had only two specific nits.

1. In S3L1, I can only get iambic tetrameter if I make “trembling” three syllables (which I am loath to do) or if I consider “As” as a headless iamb, (but even with a comma after it, it is still unstressed).

2. In S7-9, I can’t tell whether the Jack-o-lantern burned down the pumpkin carver’s house or if the N is merely describing the sort of payback that fairies wreak on those who disrespect nature. The word “sepulchre” might describe the cooled ruins of the burnt house, but “bonfire” or “bonefire” would more accurately describe the scene that the neighbors would be watching, and would also keep the slant rhyme with “stairs.”

Glenn

[Richard G]

Hi Taryn.

didn't add meaning for me, like "Ceaseless Trespass" and "scathe the Axe."
I needed a motive so settled on human's encroachment on nature (ceaseless trespass) and 'scathe' (to harm, etc) was used by Milton in the sense of scar/scorch (apparently.)

- I believe "amerce" is a verb, but at least in my reading, it gets used in S7 as a noun. I hope I'm wrong, because I like cool, weird words.
You're not. I was just seeing if I could get away with it. Changed.

Hi Hilary.

I just have to ask - are you intentionally referencing Dylan Thomas with "owl-light"?
No, it's just an old word for evening that seemed to fit the mood I was after.

Hi Glenn

In S3L1, I can only get iambic tetrameter
Well spotted. Thanks. Changed.

RG.

[Hilary Biehl]

Originally Posted by Richard G

No, it's just an old word for evening that seemed to fit the mood I was after.

At least in America, it's not a common word, and I got stuck on the association my brain made with Thomas's "Altarwise by Owl-Light" and couldn't move past that. It might just be me.

[Richard G]

Hi Hilary.

At least in America, it's not a common word,
Not common here either (and I doubt it ever was.)
and I got stuck on the association my brain made with Thomas's "Altarwise by Owl-Light" and couldn't move past that.
These things happen.
It might just be me.
I trust you'll take no offence if I say I hope so.

RG.

[Hilary Biehl]

Originally Posted by Richard G

I trust you'll take no offence if I say I hope so.

None taken, Richard. I only mention it because sometimes it's helpful to know of (possibly unwanted) associations that a word or phrase might have.

[Jim Ramsey]

Hi Richard,

A rollicking ballad of revenge is this, a folk tale allegory of nature paying back. Maybe these are what we had before horror movies? I like that you've set the story and the choruses apart but I'm not sure the asterisks do the best job of it. Maybe indenting them? There are several things that I might change but probably not to the better. I do offer two ideas though for what they're worth:

To scathe the Axe the dead may stir
if they are given eyes
and into them is carved a mouth
and all their heart's excised. I don't fathom the apostrophe


Around the hearth, amidst the feast,
the jangle and the rush, [the hungers of the rash]
will Jack be waiting, with a smile,
to burn a world to ash.

All the best,
Jim


_________________

[Richard G]

Hi Hilary.

I only mention it because sometimes it's helpful to know of (possibly unwanted) associations that a word or phrase might have.
I appreciate that, it's just that I'm rather at a loss to know what to do about it. How can one anticipate unwanted, or wanted, come to that, associations? And should one?


Hi Jim.

I don't fathom the apostrophe
And all their heart is excised
- but I see what you mean, it could easily be done away with. Thanks.

the hungers of the rash
Suggestion much appreciated. Always good to have something (else) to think about.


Thanks both.
RG.