[Ashley Bowen]

Kind-Hearted Woman (Revision 2)

Suffering feels better in a brand-new suit.
Just take last night: a juke joint jenny swaddled
me in the lonely blanket of her body
until she drained the whiskey out of me.

I think she reckoned love was taking root
in us, the way she slid my hands inside
the sleeves and pulled the coat onto my shoulders,
then posed us both as for a camera flash.

She played our future out all afternoon
until she found the picture of my favorite
and wouldn’t let me lie it was my sister.
Her bullets barely missed me tearing out
for Texas, praying, Devil? Lord? Be fair.
Just get me where no women know me there.

Note: I just worked on the ending. Other suggestions are percolating.

Kind-Hearted Woman (Revision)

Suffering feels better in this brand-new suit.
Just take last night: a juke joint jenny swaddled
me in the lonely blanket of her body
until she drained the whiskey out of me.

I thought she reckoned love was taking root
in us, the way she slid my hands inside
the sleeves and pulled the coat onto my shoulders,
then posed us both as for a camera flash.

She talked our future out all afternoon
until she found the picture of my favorite
and wouldn’t let me lie it was my sister.
Her bullets barely missed me tearing out
for Mississippi, proving true the omen:
Hell hath no fury like a kind-hearted woman.



Kind-Hearted Woman (First Draft)

Itinerate bluesmen like Robert Johnson relied on women for food and shelter following their performances. Those who knew Johnson said he pursued unattractive women, believing them less-likely to have boyfriends--or husbands--eager to retaliate against his advances.

Suffering feels better in this brand-new suit.
I took it to the tailor to have a cuff
hemmed on the slacks, the jacket taken in
a quarter-inch. He kneeled to mark the inseam,
recounting how the fabric was last year’s fashion,
and, lifting the lapel, remarked he’d stitched
his son’s initials in a suit like this
the day he met his bride before the altar.

A bluesman’s always bound to have his troubles
a kind-hearted woman can help him through.
A bowl of beans to put his hunger down,
the hayloft left unlocked when whiskey needs
to be slept off, another suit and shirt
to replace the ones her lusty hands ripped off.

[Richard G]

Hi Ashley,

it feels a little flat, to me, and the one word that does stand out, and not in a good way, is 'lusty'. Why not some reference to their apparent unattractiveness? (Grateful, homely ...?)

Did you consider switching the order of the verses? (To me it raises the possibility that the 'bride' and the lusty handed woman are one and the same.) And might the title be plural?

RG

[Ashley Bowen]

Hi, Richard,

I like your suggestion about the hands. And I had intended that the "bride" and the "woman" be one in the same. It must not be clear.

Thanks for kicking the tires on this. Much to consider in your comments.

[Susan McLean]

Ashley, your meter strays from five beats in S1L1 and S2L2. The first has too many beats and the second too few. For the first, I might suggest something like "Suffering hurts less in this brand-new suit." For the second, I might suggest "a tender-hearted woman can help him through."

Susan

[Ashley Bowen]

Hi, Susan,

SUFF'ring feels BETter IN a BRAND-new SUIT. (A trochaic sub in the first foot)

a KIND-HEARTed WOMan can HELP him THROUGH. (Two trochaic subs in feet 2 and 3).

Those are five beats; they're just not iambic. But that's probably the least that this poem has to worry about at the moment.

Robert Johnson's song title is "Kind-Hearted Woman."

[Susan McLean]

Ashley, I hear the lines differently. I didn't know you were giving "suffering" two syllables, and when I hear "kind-hearted" I don't hear a stress on "heart."

Susan

[Alex Pepple]

Hello, Ashley,

Good work with the ending—it's much improved. The final line is nearly there, but “there” feels a bit rhyme-driven rather than organic. Here’s a possible tweak to consider:

Her bullets barely missed me tearing out
for Texas. Devil? Lord? I pray—fair game:
Just get me where no woman knows my name.

This keeps the meaning intact while making the flow feel more natural.

It’s close ... I hope something here helps bring it all the way home!

Cheers,
…Alex