[Trevor Conway]

REVISION

(Last stanza removed. I also tried to make it clearer to distinguish the chimps from the colobus monkeys. Thanks for all the help with it.)

As if they know, these placid chimps,
bending leaves into their mouths,
that bodies yearn for protein,
can feel it like a dull thirst
driving them over the forest floor.

The colobus monkeys
swing in their leafy playground of twisted bark,
fast and light,
with little to fear
from the slow chimps observing below.

But this troop is taking position –
one to drive the monkeys on,
two – conspicuous – to block each side;
another waits behind a trunk.

A chorus of screams begins their business.
The monkeys make reckless bets
of wild flight through the air.
One, in haste,
chooses a trunk that will be its last –
a firm grasp of its furry tail
draws the chimps together.

Portions are carried to the forest floor,
where the young and female profit,
as if their cries from far below
were a tacit piece of the act.


ORIGINAL

As if they know,
bending leaves into their mouths,
that bodies yearn for protein,
can feel it like a dull thirst
driving them over the forest floor,
shoulder-heavy and quiet.

The colobus swing
in their leafy playground of twisted bark,
fast and light, with little to fear
from the slow chimps observing below.
But these chimps are taking position –
one to drive the monkeys on,
two – conspicuous – to block each side,
while another waits behind a trunk.

A chorus of screams begins their business.
The colobus make reckless bets
of wild flight through the air.
One, in haste,
chooses a trunk that will be its last –
a firm grasp of its furry tail,
and the chimps clamour.

Portions are carried to the forest floor,
where the young and female profit,
as if their cries from far below
were a tacit piece of the act.

And what craving propelled them
to leafy heights in chase –
the taste of protein
or the thrill of the hunt?

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Trev—

I’m detecting a pattern in your poetry that reminds me of Ted Hughes’s painstaking studies of animals. I saw it in your poem about wildebeests, “The Crossing,” and in this one about primates. I like your detached, scientific presentation of the attack, almost like a wildlife biologist’s field notes.

Two small nits:
1. In S2L1 and S3L2 you use “colobus” as the plural form of “colobus.” I checked, and the plural forms are either “colobuses” or “colubi” (The second form being more appropriate for scientific writing.)
2. In S4L4 is “tacit” the best word? “Tacit” means “implied or unstated,” so the fact that the cries are audible makes it questionable. Do their cries “encourage the ambush” or maybe “applaud the performance?”

Nice work!

Glenn

[Trevor Conway]

Hey Glenn,

Thanks for your feedback on this and on the pattern in the poems I'm posting (which are geared towards a collection on science and nature). Good to know that the detached style works for you in this context.

You may well be right about the plural of colobus, but "colobuses" sounds off to me, and maybe "colubi" too. I'm pretty sure the nature documentary I used as inspiration had David Attenborough referring to them as "colobus" in plural. I'll give it some thought, anyway. Same goes for "tacit".

Thanks again.

Trevor

Originally Posted by Glenn Wright

Hi, Trev—

I’m detecting a pattern in your poetry that reminds me of Ted Hughes’s painstaking studies of animals. I saw it in your poem about wildebeests, “The Crossing,” and in this one about primates. I like your detached, scientific presentation of the attack, almost like a wildlife biologist’s field notes.

Two small nits:
1. In S2L1 and S3L2 you use “colobus” as the plural form of “colobus.” I checked, and the plural forms are either “colobuses” or “colubi” (The second form being more appropriate for scientific writing.)
2. In S4L4 is “tacit” the best word? “Tacit” means “implied or unstated,” so the fact that the cries are audible makes it questionable. Do their cries “encourage the ambush” or maybe “applaud the performance?”

Nice work!

Glenn

[Jim Ramsey]

Hi Trevor,

I agree with Glenn that your investigations of the natural world and science are interesting places for poetry to go. This one confused me in a couple spots but I eventually worked out the details of the chase, what chimp was doing what. You might think about making it clearer though. Some random thoughts in case you can use the info in some way, groups of primates are called troops, just like herbivores run in herds and birds mingle in flocks, each group of animals getting its own name. Plus, I checked on line and apparently the plural of colobus is colobuses. If you choose to, I would only use troop to refer to one group though, the chimps or the colobuses, so readers don't get confused. The last stanza provided a nice surprise.

All the best,
Jim

[David Callin]

Hi Trevor,

It feels like an effective description of the phenomenon, but - and this is probably just me being squeamish - does it feel like a suitable subject for a poem? It depends what sort of poem you want to write, I suppose, so it must be suitable. And yet I found it a difficult read. This is poetry red in tooth and claw. Maybe I'm just too much of a moon in June gey. Mea culpa.

So I'm not your ideal reader - here, at least - but I thought you might find my take of some value, even if only a negative one.

Cheers

David

[Trevor Conway]

Hi David,

It feels suitable to me, but it's good to get your take on this. Thanks very much for offering it. I really appreciate it.

Trev

Originally Posted by David Callin

Hi Trevor,

It feels like an effective description of the phenomenon, but - and this is probably just me being squeamish - does it feel like a suitable subject for a poem? It depends what sort of poem you want to write, I suppose, so it must be suitable. And yet I found it a difficult read. This is poetry red in tooth and claw. Maybe I'm just too much of a moon in June gey. Mea culpa.

So I'm not your ideal reader - here, at least - but I thought you might find my take of some value, even if only a negative one.

Cheers

David

[Trevor Conway]

I just edited the original post to include a revision. Thanks very much for helping me with this, David, Jim and Glenn.

Trev

[Trevor Conway]

Cheers, Jim!

I'll keep all that in mind.

All the best,

Trevor

Originally Posted by Jim Ramsey

Hi Trevor,

I agree with Glenn that your investigations of the natural world and science are interesting places for poetry to go. This one confused me in a couple spots but I eventually worked out the details of the chase, what chimp was doing what. You might think about making it clearer though. Some random thoughts in case you can use the info in some way, groups of primates are called troops, just like herbivores run in herds and birds mingle in flocks, each group of animals getting its own name. Plus, I checked on line and apparently the plural of colobus is colobuses. If you choose to, I would only use troop to refer to one group though, the chimps or the colobuses, so readers don't get confused. The last stanza provided a nice surprise.

All the best,
Jim

[Matt Q]

Hi Trevor,

Those lovable chimps have a darker side, don't they, hunting monkeys for meat. And I think this makes for dramatic subject for a poem. For the most part this works well for me, and I think cutting the last stanza has improved it, but I think in a couple of places, it maybe moves too much into the editorial for me, a bit like a nature documentary narrator trying to ramp up the drama. Here:

with little to fear
from the slow chimps observing below.

"with little to fear" is "telly", and also strikes me as somewhat false, since few animals have little to fear from their predators, or don't recognise their predators are such. And the poem shows clearly that they do have something to fear, even up in the tree tops. Arguably if they're not aware of the chimps yet they may not yet be feeling fear, but once they spot the chimps they'll be making alarm calls. Anyway, I'd say the stanza works better without "with little to fear":

The colobus monkeys
swing in their leafy playground of twisted bark,
fast and light,
above the slow chimps observing below.

I think this does enough to show us that they seem safe and may even feel safe, especially with "playground" and fast vs slow. Then,

chooses a trunk that will be its last

Here, I think that "that will be its last" is something to avoid, somewhat cliché and a little in the direction of melodrama. I also wonder if you could play off the "reckless bets" and go with something like

The monkeys make reckless bets
of wild flight through the air.
One loses,
chooses the wrong trunk –
a firm grasp of its furry tail
draws the chimps together.

Since "loses" also gives you an internal rhyme with chooses. And the firm grasp of the tail makes it clear that the monkey is about to die.

In the penultimate stanza, I wonder if you might have the stanza end on "a firm grasp of its furry tail" and move "draws the chimps together" begin the next stanza, giving something of a pause at the dramatic moment before the chimps assemble.

On the close:

Portions are carried to the forest floor,
where the young and female profit,
as if their cries from far below
were a tacit piece of the act.

I wondered a little at this. Why "as if"? Are you saying that the cries from the troop is not part of the hunting strategy, serving to panic the monkeys? Or that the cries are, but the chimps don't understand this: it's only "as if" this were understood?

Finally, knowing that a colubus is monkey, I preferred the original's "colubus" over the more wordy "colubus monkey".

best,

Matt

[Trevor Conway]

Hi Matt,

Thanks very much for your input. I can see more weak points to work on now.

Much obliged,

Trev