[Glenn Wright]

Pentecost

The memory of that day is like a diamond,
my father’s face so full of loving light.
Into the frigid, frisky wind we climbed and
found a high expanse to fly our kite.

The uphill walk had stolen my father’s breath.
He stopped and bowed; his smile was thin and drawn.
He knew I’d have this day after his death
and hoped I’d have his faith to carry on.

He said I’d need to hold the kite up high
and run until he yelled to let it go.
The wind would lift it far into the sky
to join the angels watching us below.

I watched, impatient, as he tied the string
securely to the fragile wooden frame.
The red and yellow paper, a seraph’s wing,
caught air and soared above us like a flame.
———————————————-
Edits:
S1L2: precious, clear, and full of shining light. > My father’s face was filled with loving light. > my father’s face so full of loving light.
S1L3: Into the cold and frisky wind we climb and > . . .climbed and > Into the frigid, frisky wind we climbed and
S1L4: find a hilltop perch to fly our kite. > found a high expanse to fly our kite.
S2L3: I’d have this afternoon after his death > He knew I’d have this day after his death
S2L4: to carry in my heart when he was gone. > to ease my grieving heart when he was gone. > and hoped I’d have his faith to carry on.
S3L3: shouting as it flew into the sky > We shouted as it flew into the sky > The wind would lift it far into the sky.
S3L4: so angels would guide it for us here below. > to join the angels watching us below.
S4L1: strings > string
S4L2: to the four corners of the balsa frame. > so securely to the balsa frame. > securely to the fragile wooden frame
S4L3: seraphs’ wings > a seraph’s wing

[Alessio Boni]

Hello!


The poem is very clear, and is easily followable without much effort needed, and that is definitely a virtue, but one thing I cannot seem to understand is the symbol of the kite itself.

Would it be the holy spirit descending, facilitated in its descent by the agents of the divine to 'guide it below?' But if so, why would it be thrown in the air in the first place by two of its creations if the Holy spirit is exempt of effects from external agents?

This question could also just be me lacking proper biblical education in which more aspects of the Pentecost are actually explored beyond only a 'descent' so don't be too harsh if I'm completely off..

Also, since you used the pentameter, you could make this into a nice sonnet by cancelling the first two lines and immediately commencing the poem with the memory, immersing the reader instantly. But this change would make such little difference to an already good poem that it could be seen as trivial and prone to risk for thwarting the poem's original structure, unless the rhyme scheme wasn't considered.

Cheers!

[Trevor Conway]

Hi Glenn,

I enjoyed this very simple scene. I think you got across nicely the feeling you want to create, and the form/rhyme generally works well. I particularly enjoyed the diamond/climbed and rhyme. I feel like it's lacking an ending, or maybe the second stanza would be a more suitable ending. What do you think?

Some more specific feedback below.

Best of luck with this.

Trev


The memory of that day is like a diamond. [too vague for me: "The memory - sharp/clear as diamond:"?
My father’s face was filled with loving light. [bold = suggested deletion]
Into the cold[,] and frisky wind we climbed and
found a high expanse to fly our kite. [Anything more interesting than "fly" come to mind? "buffet"? "encourage"?]

The uphill walk [stole his] breath.
He stopped and bowed[,] his smile was thin and drawn.
He knew I’d have this day after his death [how about "He knew I'd always have this day" instead of spelling out the idea of death?]
and hoped I’d have his faith to carry on.

He said I’d need to hold the kite up high [I'd like to see some direct speech here. It feels like you're denying the reader something]
and run until he yelled to let it go.
The wind would lift it far into the sky
to join the angels watching us below.

I watched, impatient, as he tied the string
so securely to the balsa frame.
The red and yellow paper, a seraph’s wing, ["seraph" feels unnecessarily poetic to me in a forced kind of way]
caught air and soared above us like a flame.

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Jim and Trevor—

Thank you both for your thoughtful and generous responses.

Jim—Thanks for sticking with me on this piece. I understand how “bowed” could be jarring, but I am inclined to keep it because it suggests that the father recognizes that the kite flying with his son has a spiritual, almost sacramental significance. His bowing allows him to catch his breath, but also reverences the moment.

The issue of verb tense in this poem is something I’m still thinking through. I’ll take your suggestion under advisement.

Trev—Thanks for the encouragement and the detailed critique.

Originally Posted by Trevor Conway

I feel like it's lacking an ending, or maybe the second stanza would be a more suitable ending.
My thinking is that the final image, evoking the Pentecost story in the Acts of the Apostles, provides a parallel that serves as a conclusion.

The memory of that day is like a diamond. [too vague for me: "The memory - sharp/clear as diamond:"? I think the light in the next line clarifies why the memory is diamond-like. The diamond also alludes to the shape of the kite.

My father’s face was filled with loving light. [bold = suggested deletion] Jim and Roger also want the “was” deleted, so I made an adjustment.

Into the cold[,] and frisky wind we climbed and
found a high expanse to fly our kite. [Anything more interesting than "fly" come to mind? "buffet"? "encourage"?] I got rid of one of the two “and’s” in S1L3 and added another /f/ sound to suggest the gusting wind.


The uphill walk [stole his] breath.
Since the stealing of his breath occurred before the stopping and bowing and both actions are in the past, the pluperfect “had stolen” is warranted.
He stopped and bowed[,] his smile was thin and drawn.
He knew I’d have this day after his death [how about "He knew I'd always have this day" instead of spelling out the idea of death?]I’ll consider some ways to accomplish this.
and hoped I’d have his faith to carry on.

He said I’d need to hold the kite up high [I'd like to see some direct speech here. It feels like you're denying the reader something]I’ll think about this. The N calls it a memory in S1L1, so the lack of quoted speech gives it a sepia-toned quality that I rather like.
and run until he yelled to let it go.
The wind would lift it far into the sky
to join the angels watching us below.

I watched, impatient, as he tied the string
so securely to the balsa frame.
The red and yellow paper, a seraph’s wing, ["seraph" feels unnecessarily poetic to me in a forced kind of way]
The word “seraph” comes from the Hebrew word that means “burning.” In Isaiah, Chapter 6, seraphim are described as fiery angels, so the word connects not only to the fiery colors of the kite, but also to the fire that came down on Pentecost and the red vestments worn by the priest on that day.
caught air and soared above us like a flame.

I sincerely appreciate the time and thought you both put into your comments. Thanks again.

Glenn

[Trevor Conway]

Hey Glenn,

Thanks for the detailed responses. The link with the Pentecost does make the ending more palatable now. I struggle to connect the face filled with light to the diamond, though. They feel like separate things to me. Good to see you're finding the feedback useful for making changes.

All the best,

Trev

Originally Posted by Glenn Wright

Hi, Jim and Trevor—

Thank you both for your thoughtful and generous responses.

Jim—Thanks for sticking with me on this piece. I understand how “bowed” could be jarring, but I am inclined to keep it because it suggests that the father recognizes that the kite flying with his son has a spiritual, almost sacramental significance. His bowing allows him to catch his breath, but also reverences the moment.

The issue of verb tense in this poem is something I’m still thinking through. I’ll take your suggestion under advisement.

Trev—Thanks for the encouragement and the detailed critique.



I sincerely appreciate the time and thought you both put into your comments. Thanks again.

Glenn

[Glenn Wright]

Thanks, Trev—

I just noticed that I have had nine people respond to this poem, four of which returned for a second go, and all of them were men. I wonder what to make of that, if anything.

Anyway, thanks, fellas!

Glenn

[Max Goodman]

This is beautiful. I particularly like that after it's established that the father and son have some sense that the father is dying, the poem doesn't dwell on it. I wonder whether it could be established less directly. The last half of the second stanza feels too on-the-nose. The first half of that stanza strongly suggests the father isn't well.

Some quibbles:
The description "precious, clear, and full of shining light" feels fulsome, non-descriptive. Coming so early in the poem, it did not encourage me to read further. In other than a workshop setting, I might have stopped reading and missed the strong rest of the poem.

"Hilltop perch" makes the kite-flying area sound smaller than it appears later in the poem (and smaller than it would have to be).

The L2/3 tense shift (by which I mean the lack of tense shift when we are clearly shifting from present remembrance into a retelling of the event of the past) is strong: it puts me directly into the memory. That the poem immediately shifts from that to past and past perfect tenses is both disappointing and grammatically jumbled-feeling.

FWIW.

[Alex Pepple]

Hello, Glenn,

This is a well-realized poem and quite moving. The kite works effectively as both narrative device and symbol, with a strong emotional resonance that runs throughout the poem.

Regarding tense usage, I noticed (as did Max) the shift from historical present in the first stanza to past tense afterward. While this creates immediacy initially, perhaps consider revising the last line of the first stanza to create a clearer temporal transition. Alternatively, consider if you want to maintain the historical present throughout, or fully commit to past tense narration, where it’s easier to manage temporal shifts - but this is merely a stylistic preference, not a correction of an error.

In the third stanza, "shouting as it flew into the sky" could be strengthened by clarifying who is shouting - the father or the child? This small detail would enhance the scene's vividness.

The line "I'd have this afternoon after his death / to carry in my heart when he was gone" contains a slight redundancy. While the sentiment is powerful, perhaps revising to reduce the repetition of the father's absence would strengthen the impact. You could find some fresh angle/emotion to replace the redundant material, for instance: “to fill my heart, to fly my kite alone.”

I found the Pentecost connection compelling, with the kite's "seraph's wings" and flame imagery creating a beautiful spiritual dimension. Unlike Alessio's concern, I think the religious symbolism works well metaphorically without needing to align perfectly with biblical narrative.

Max's point about the directness of the father's mortality in the second stanza is worth considering. The physical details ("stolen my father's breath," "smile was thin and drawn") already suggest his condition - you might trust these images to convey what's happening without explicit statement.

These suggestions aside, this is a poignant exploration of memory, loss, and the sacred moments between parent and child.

Cheers,
...Alex

[Brian Watson]

The impetus of Andrew Wyeth's Pentecost, depicting a pair of fishing nets blowing in the breeze, was the death of a young girl swept out to sea. The backstory is nowhere in the painting, but the feeling is there.

In a similar way, the first and last verses by themselves would make a complete and powerful poem.

(I think the middle two verses have some technical imperfections, such as "so angels would guide it for us here below", which is slightly off metrically, and "for us here below" seems there to fill out the line and supply the rhyme.
In the first verse, I like the density of assonance and consonance -- sound matching sense -- and the inventive 'diamond/climbed and' rhyme. In the fourth verse, I like the naturalness of the language, and the unexpected exhilaration of the final line.)

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Brian—

Thanks for weighing in.

I agree that the middle two stanzas are weaker than the first and last. I’m considering how I might tighten them up a bit more. I think it’s important to reveal that the father is dying, but I may not need two stanzas to do that.

I made an adjustment to S3L4 to fix the metrical awkwardness you identified.

I appreciate your helpful comments.

Glenn