[Trevor Conway]

Giddy chatter from a low branch –
the snoozing man knows the guise
of this bird’s talk having found a prize,
his answer a low, a rumbling chant.

The bird flies while the man clutches
an axe and a smouldering bundle of grass;
its smoke flows like a hazy mass
of hair, fading into the bushes.

The bird settles, its gaze on a tree
that hides a nest behind its bark.
The axe swings in a wide arc,
releasing a quick clamour of bees.

Smoke subdues: the man is left
to seize honeycomb with barely a sting,
and when he’s done, he’s sure to fling
a piece to the engineer of the theft.

A honeyguide is easy to please,
granted its one, simple gift
of larvae, wriggling like tired fish,
at a safe distance from livid bees.

[Max Goodman]

I had trouble following this yesterday. Today, somehow, it's clearer.

The sequence does throw me a bit. The man seems to light the grass before he's sure which tree it's for. And then he swings the ax he was already clutching while he held the burning grass, making me wonder what happened to the grass.

I like "a quick clamour of bees."

I can't make sense of "guise" (L2) here.

Throughout most of the poem, I sense no attitude about what's described, which feels like tacit approval. "Theft" near the end criticizes the pair. Then the poem returns to its neutral, approving-feeling tone. Is that clash what's making feel unsatisfied? I'm not sure.

FWIW.

[David Callin]

Hi Trev. It took me a couple of reads to get this too, and - like Max - I wonder about "guise". I also like the quick clamour of bees - and the livid bees.

I also rather wander where the larvae came from, but that could just be me being a bit slow.

It's a nice vignette.

Cheers

David

[Trevor Conway]

Hi Max and David,

Thanks very much for yere feedback. I meant "guise" to mean appearance, as in he knows what this bird call means, hence he's stirred into action.

I'll look into the sequencing of things, Max. Thanks for bringing that to my attention.

The larvae are the young bees growing in the nest before becoming insects, David.

I'd be interested in hearing whether ye think the form generally worked for this material or whether it felt as though it constrained the poem/clarity overall.

Thanks a million.

Trev

[Max Goodman]

Originally Posted by Trevor Conway

I'd be interested in hearing whether ye think the form generally worked for this material or whether it felt as though it constrained the poem/clarity overall.

Form constrains.

I don't have a strong feeling one way or the other about whether you've chosen the right constraints in this case. I assume you wouldn't ask the question if you felt the form had repaid the constraint.