[Richard G]

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Small note: 'bizzies' - police (slang, mainly Liverpool)
...................'awaked' - vernacular (Dorset)


V2
............Incident at Cabber Nase


It was done in the night when the moonlight allowed
............you to see, while remaining unseen.
A figure incised on the slope of a hillside,
............a glyph in the chalk and the green.

And then, with the dawning that carving, unwarmed
............by the sun, set the whole town ablaze.
The Mayoress despaired, "Who would dare put that there?
............It's clearly not Art, but depraved."

"He is primitive, crude and quite visibly nude!"
............the bartender opened the tap.
"That's really a prize," the new publicist sighed,
............"and is sure to put us on the map."

"However it happened," the dry cleaner reckoned,
............"it's bound to come out, by and by."
"I don't understand. What is that in his hand?"
............They all heard the muezzin cry.

"It must have been aliens." This from a layman.
............"And cut with a gravity knife."
A timorous lady left holding the baby, wheezed
............"I've had the fright of my life."

"Is that a koteka? I wonder," a scholar
............considered. "It looks like a gourd."
A mariner swayed, "This is bound to make waves.
............I think someone's gone overboard."

"It's wibbly, it's wobbly, it's crinkly and knobbly."
............A poet presumed to orate.
"Oh, give us a break, mate. I'm barely awaked,"
............the courier snarled, running late.

A pharmacist pensively paused while dispensing,
............"I fear this won't go down too well."
The plumber stood flushing and then began gushing,
............"I've given the bizzies a bell."

The local MP hissed, "Nobody must see this,
............this blot on our beautiful town."
The vicar agreed, "I would like to believe
............that whatever goes up will come down."

"That measure won't cut it," assayed the surveyor.
............"Now, fetch me the one from the crate."
"You're worried by size? And, I do empathise,"
............a therapist chose to relate.

"I'm sure," a solicitor nodded and whispered,
............"that where there's a way there's a will."
"I have done a bit, yes" the mohel admitted.
............"For this, though, I don't have the skill."

"Great guns!" shot the Colonel, "I've travelled the world
............but really they've gone much too far."
As losing momentum, a pensioner went on,
............"So, why does it look so familiar?"

The hygienist spat out, "Whoever did that
............they would certainly seem to have clout."
"I can't," an optician saw fit to confess then,
............"see what all the fuss is about."



As the morning progressed so increased the distress.
............While the townsfolk all gathered to gawk
their children in bathrooms, in kitchens and cloakrooms
............were carefully washing off chalk.




________________________





............Incident at Cabber Nase


It was done in the night when the moonlight meant
............you could see, yet be unseen.
A figure incised high on a hillside,
............there, in the chalk and green.

And then, with the dawning, that carving, unwarmed
............by the sun, set the town ablaze.
"Who dare put that there?" the Mayoress despaired.
............"That isn't art, but depraved."

"It must have been aliens." This from a layman.
............"And cut with a gravity knife."
A timorous lady, clutching her baby, wheezed,
............"I've had the fright of my life."

"His eyes, they're following," a florist was hollering,
............"me. Wherever I go."
"Oh, those aren't its eyes," the butcher advised.
............"And petal, trust me, I'd know."

"Is that a koteka?" pondered the scholar.
............"I wonder. It could be a gourd."
A trawlerman cried out, "Man the lifeboat!
............Somebody's gone overboard."

"It's wibbly wobbly, crinkly and knobbly."
............A poet presumed to orate.
"I'm barely awaked, so give us a break,"
............the courier snarled, running late.

"He's primitive, crude and the blighter is nude."
............A critic opined to the Mail.
"I don't understand. What is that in his hand?"
............They all heard the muezzin wail.

"If I get my mitts on 'em," yawned a nightwatchman,
............"I'll give those who did this a slap."
"He's really a prize," the publicist sighed,
............"and sure to put us on the map."

A pharmacist, pensive, paused while dispensing,
............"This won't go down too well."
The plumber stood flushing and then began gushing,
............"I've given the bizzies a bell."

"I'm sure," a solicitor nodded and whispered,
............"that where there's a way there's a will."
"I have done a bit," the mohel admitted,
............"for that, though, I don't have the skill."

"This measure won't cut it," assayed the surveyor.
............"Now, fetch me the one from the crate."
"You're worried by size? I do empathise,"
............a therapist chose to relate.

"However it happened," the dry cleaner reckoned,
............"it's sure to come out, by and by."
An old veterinarian's counsel was caution,
............"It's best to let thingummies lie."

"Great guns!" shot the Colonel, "I've travelled the world
............but this is a step too far."
As losing momentum, a pensioner went on,
............"Something about it's familiar."

"Do think of the children," pealed a beautician,
............"and all of their malleable minds."
"What's worse," swore a nurse, "this sunlight's a curse."
............Reflecting, "Some mite could go blind."

The local MP hissed, "No-one must see this
............blot on our beautiful town."
The vicar agreed, "I'd like to believe
............that what'll come up'll come down."

"Whoever did that," the hygienist spat,
............"would certainly seem to have clout."
"I can't," an optician made a confession,
............"see what the fuss is about."


As morning progressed so grew the distress
............the townsfolk gathered to gawk;
their children in bathrooms, kitchens and cloakrooms
............carefully washing off chalk.



...................And, for those that need a visual
https://www.nationaltrust.org.uk/vis...et/cerne-giant


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[Alex Pepple]

Hello, Richard,

This is a lot of fun to read. Your poem cleverly structures itself around a community's varied reactions to the infamous Cerne Abbas Giant (brilliantly renamed "Cabber Nase"), with each stanza presenting a new character's response filtered through their professional perspective.

The consistent ballad quatrain structure works well, with your tetrameter/trimeter alternation creating a sing-song quality that enhances the humor. I particularly appreciate how the caesuras (marked by your indentations) create rhythmic pauses that mimic natural speech patterns and heighten the comedic timing.

You've crafted some delightful rhyme pairs throughout - "gourd/overboard" and "gawk/chalk" stand out. The internal rhyme in "wibbly wobbly, crinkly and knobbly" demonstrates your playful approach to sound. Still, the meter seems somewhat rough overall and could bear some smoothing here and there.

The social satire is perfectly pitched, as we witness the town's prudish reaction to the phallic chalk figure. Each character's profession becomes a vehicle for clever innuendo and wordplay - the butcher who knows what body parts look like, the mohel who "has done a bit," the plumber "flushing" and "gushing," and the dry cleaner noting it will "come out, by and by."

If I have a quibble, it's that the poem might benefit from some selective pruning. While the accumulation of perspectives builds the comedic effect, perhaps the stanzas with the muezzin, nightwatchman, and veterinarian could be removed without losing the overall impact.

The concluding stanza provides the perfect ironic punchline - revealing the culprits to be the children, while the adults have been busy projecting their own anxieties onto the figure.

Overall, a fun blend of formal craft and social commentary, Richard!

Cheers,
...Alex

[Chelsea McClellan]

Hi Richard,

I also enjoyed the beginning and end of this poem, but had to push myself to get through at some point in the middle. It just went on too long for me. But Alex said it better: "If I have a quibble, it's that the poem might benefit from some selective pruning." so I'll just leave it at that.


Looking forward to seeing the poem again.


Take care,
Chelsea

[Joe Crocker]

Hi Richard

Enjoyable and ingenious marrying of profession and action/attitude to the sudden obscenity. I can see how you got carried away with it. It reminded of being on the bus on scouting trips singing "The Quarter Master's Store". Many unlikely rhyming couplets were on offer in the store and it was up to all the boys to come up with new and amusing items to add to the list. Do you have a tune in mind to sing it to?

[Richard G]

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Hi Alex.

This is a lot of fun to read.
Thanks.

with each stanza presenting a new character's response filtered through their professional perspective.
Technically, two characters per stanza (except for the Mayoress.)

Still, the meter seems somewhat rough overall and could bear some smoothing here and there.
If you could point out some of the more abrasive parts (it's a bit wood for the trees for me at the minute.)

If I have a quibble, it's that the poem might benefit from some selective pruning.
Yes. I was hoping to solicit feedback on which bits could be cut and lo ...
While the accumulation of perspectives builds the comedic effect, perhaps the stanzas with the muezzin, nightwatchman, and veterinarian could be removed without losing the overall impact.
The only difficulty is that every profession is paired with another, to lose one is to lose both. But ...
no reason not to be brutal.
I'd be loathe to ditch the muezzin though (given the presence of a mohel and vicar it would be a bit of a snub.)


Hi Chelsea.

had to push myself to get through at some point in the middle. It just went on too long for me.
No problem. And thanks for the effort. If you have any suggestions as to which parts/professions can be dispensed with that would be very helpful.


Hi Joe.

I can see how you got carried away with it.
Yeah. It was partly because I wanted a crowd scene, and then there was the challenge of never using the verb 'to say' (or conjugations thereof.)

Do you have a tune in mind to sing it to?
That never occurred to me. Do you?


Thanks all.
RG

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[James Brancheau]

Yes, this is great fun, Richard. I like it a lot. I enjoyed the whole thing, but I agree with others that some pruning of the townspeople’s reactions would probably benefit the poem. Partly because I found the opening to be particularly sharp and feel that it may get a bit lost by the time the reader gets through all of those (very clever, and important) reactions.

And I love how the poem ended. There’s an element of The Elephant in the Village of the Blind (meets Sunny Prestatyn? haha) about the poem that is very satisfying in this context—that lack of understanding their own children, not knowing what they are capable of, what’s going on under their noses, etc, because their perspectives are limited. With that in mind, if you choose to do some pruning, I would leave the responses/actions that are most connected to their occupations. Fine work, and, as mentioned, I enjoyed this quite a bit.

[Richard G]

Hi James.

Yes, this is great fun,
Glad you enjoyed it.

if you choose to do some pruning, I would leave the responses/actions that are most connected to their occupations.
Good advice, thanks. (Though bearing in mind The Elephant, I thought perhaps to leave some of the descriptions of the figure. Not everyone will know of the Cerne Abbas Giant after all.)


RG.