[John Whitworth]

No. 2600: Animal Crackers
You are invited to supply a poem (maximum 16 lines) in which either the first line or last line is ‘Whenever you see a rhinoceros’. Entries to ‘Competition 2600’ by 11 June or email lucy@spectator.co.uk.

This is actually quite tricky. I spent a whole hour of swimming up and down like a rhinoceros trying to crack it. The difficulties are

a. The dactylic rhythm
b. The lack of rhymes for 'rhinoceros'

Whenever you see a rhinoceros
Swimming along like a punt
In the Rhine or the Tyne or the Bosphorus
Whenever you see a rhinoceros
You may think his progression prepocerous...

and that's as far as I got. Perhaps I new approach is needed

[Gail White]

John, I really appreciate your putting these contests up for us.
However, I'm unable to open the link (if that's what it is) at the top of the page. So could you tell us something about these contests -- like how many winners get printed, if there is money involved, & so on?
Thanks!

[Marion Shore]

The Traveler's Guide to Wild Animals

Whenever you see a rhinoceros
don't linger to savor his musk.
You'd be better off swimming the Bosporus
than to risk getting skewered by his tusk.

Don't try to make friends with a whale;
though by nature he isn't malicious
with a flip of his flipper or tail,
you'd soon be a snack for the fishes.

With a tiger do not get too gabby,
nor with a leopard or lion.
Though they may resemble your tabby,
they could eat you without even tryin'.

So heed my advice, you who dare
to stalk these great animals -- damnit!
Kick off your boots, grab a chair,
sit back and watch Animal Planet.


[John, I swear I didn't steal Bosporus from you, since I didn't read yours until after I wrote mine!]

[Marion Shore]

Gail,

Here's the link to this weeks contest.

http://www.spectator.co.uk/the-magaz...petition.thtml

There are links to past contests on the right, in which many of our folks have figured prominently.

Marion

[John Whitworth]

Gail, you can follow the link. You can see about five winners. You win £25 plus an extra fiver if you are top dog. Many Spherians have won prizes. Because we're so good. I'm not counting the great Bill Greenwell who has won times without number.When you win you can get in touch with me. I change your endorsed cheques into dollars for the costof the postage. There is also a monthly competition at The Oldie, same sort of thing.

[Gail White]

Thanks, Marion and John!
I followed the link and was pleased to see among the last winners my old friend Davina Prince.
I'll give these a try & see if I have better luck than I've had with New Yorker cartoon captions!

[Terese Coe]

Oh, Gail, those New Yorker captions are tough (I never send in), but some of the winners have been a hoot!

Rhinoceros


I am the odd-toed ungulate
Much endangered here in the jungulate.
Why that should be is well beyond me,
But it’s something to do with my horn, my horn,
It’s something to do with my horn.

The truth is you’ll never be prosperous
Hunting for horn of rhinoceros—
There isn’t a stiffy this side of the Liffey
That ever was caused by my horn, my horn
That ever was caused by my horn.

Have you got it? That horn stuff is twaddle—
Now get on your camel and toddle.
I may not have brains, but you’ll have no remains
If you don’t see the point of the horn, the horn,
If you don’t see the point of the horn
Whenever you see a rhinoceros.

[John Whitworth]

Marion and Terese, you seem to have cracked it. I don't know what it leaves me to do (he said morosely).

[Roger Slater]

Whenever you see a rhinoceros,
just say, "I'm glad to meet you!"
Don't panic. They're herbivorous.
That means they will not eat you.

[Terese Coe]

John,

I think you're on to something with a rhino in the Tyne. Don't give up!

And thanks for the thumbs-up. Do you think "stiffy" is too lewd for the Speccie? (she asked, whining)

It seems an innocent enough word to me, considering the fact I never heard it till a few years ago.