[John Whitworth]

The dialogue competition brought near misses for Bob Schechter, Chris O'Carroll and Martin Parker. Bill Greenwell was in winning form and Basil Ransone-Davies, on a bit of a roll at the moment, deservedly pocketed the top fiver. Full results under 'Competition: Dialogue.

This week's competition has possibilities.

No. 2642: Alma Mater
You are invited to pay homage in verse to an educational institution (16 lines maximum). Please email entries, where possible, to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 7 April.

[Marion Shore]

I admit, I'm stymied.

Reminds me of this old one though:

Far above Cayuga's waters
there's an awful smell.
Some say its Cayuga's waters,
but it is Cornell.

[basil ransome-davies]

I'm torn between hailing the crap school that liberated me by expelling me & the superb university that, years later, gave me an unequalled chance to educate myself.

[Marion Shore]

Bazza,
I vote for the crap school.

[John Whitworth]

Marion is right. To be expelled is a fine thing, Bazza. Were you expelled from Simon Langton School for Boys? Good for you. Meanwhile... I may not write the best poem. In fact lately I have rarely been in the frame, but I usually write the one of the FIRST. Here it is.

Alma Mater

To James Gillespie’s Boys I went
When I was a bambino.
My teacher, a sardonic gent,
Like Chalkie in The Beano,

Was Mr Wilfred Grubb. He knew
A plenitude of stuff.
And, so that we would know it too,
His classroom act was rough:

An eye to chill you to the bone,
A voice to shout like Hector,
A teaching method now unknown
Within the public sector.

All flesh is hay. Remember, pray,
The passions and the knowledge
Of Mr Wilfred Grubb B.A.
At James Gillespie’s College.

[basil ransome-davies]

Thanks for the suggestion, Marion. It would give me a chance to be satirical, which is my long suit. For Sussex I have only respect and great affection.

bazza

[Roger Slater]

PHILIPS ACADEMY

I didn't read that many books,
I didn't learn much math,
but those dear souls in Andover
propelled me on a path,

first to Yale, then Harvard Biz,
then money by the fistful.
Oh Philips, how the thought of you
can make my heart grow wistful!

You taught me my entitlement.
Today, as I look back,
I give you half the credit for
a peaceful, free Iraq.

[Jim Hayes]

Alma Mater Floreat

Gaudeamus igitur,
thy ivy-clinging walls endure,
not so the Latin, French and Greek,
you never did teach me to speak.
I miss the canings that I got
and fantasize on them a lot.
Had it not been for the gays,
vivant omnes virgines!
All the girls in thy gym classes--
vivat nostra societasses.
Post jacundam juventutem,
our minds are marked ad senectutem
Alma mater floreat!
Thanks to thee the truth is that
in many things I have excelled
but not until I was expelled.

[FOsen]

Hail to California,

Alma Mater Dear;
fees grow ever dearer,

funding's cut each year.
Berkeley's kids are not deprived,
though it sounds disquieting,
old tradition's are revived—
once again they're rioting.

Frank

[John Whitworth]

Jim, I love it. Do you think Lucy has the Latin? I wouldn't be at all surprised - bright these Speccie ladies!