[Chris O'Carroll]

No 4226

Set by J Seery
We asked you to suggest a title for a newly ennobled life peer. We also wanted the new peer’s reasons why he/she chose this name. This week’s winners First, two hon menshes: to G M Davis for Baroness Greer of Maidenhead and John Boaler for Baron Murdoch of Amnesia. £20 to the winners, with Tesco vouchers going, in addition, to Tony Horitz.

Ken Livingstone
Following his recent narrow defeat by Boris Johnson in the London mayoral elections, Ken Livingstone has accepted his party leader’s recommendation for a peerage in the House of Lords. Quizzed about his new title by journalists yesterday, Livingstone rejected Ed Miliband’s suggestion of “Baron Newt Spawner of Brent”, preferring one that better described his tireless efforts for the city he loved. As “Baron Nightmare of Boris”, he believes he can still offer the people of London a nocturnal alternative to his Tory rival. As well as using his seat in the Lords to argue for Londoners’ rights, Lord Nightmare plans to continue attending all relevant London Assembly meetings. He added that he was also reconsidering his televised statement at the count, in which he said he would not stand again for the mayoral office.
Tony Horitz

Alex Salmond
Having chosen to be known as “Thane of Scotland, the Adjunct Territories [previously known as Great Britain] and the Global Scottish Diaspora” (the Welsh will be appointing their own leader at a parallel ceremony in Llandaff Cathedral), Thane Alex, as he will be informally known, reduced the name of his title considerably after Holyrood discussions produced agreement that an additional “and Lord of the Energies of Sun, Water and Wind” might not sit easily in newspaper headlines. Thane Alex plans a Holyrood administration to take over from the farcical Westminster crew of Sassenachs once the southern Scots (currently known as English) gather the courage to oust them. This will happen naturally when the independent Scottish state is perceived to be enviable. His title will touch on the Shakespearean respect for Scottish history but will carry none of the adverse theatrical superstitions imputed to it by luvvies in London.
Alison Prince

George Osborne
I have chosen the title of “Baron Osborne of Pemberley” in honour of that house’s fictional owner, with whom I feel a great affinity. Not only was he very wealthy but also, like me, extremely handsome and charismatic, his pride often mistaken as arrogance. I have worked diligently to ensure that wealth remains where it belongs; that is, with extremely rich people like myself. Adjusting the tax allowance of countless scrounging pensioners has helped make this possible, combined with the reduction of benefits to the undeserving poor.
Sadly Mr Darcy, whose early life was so admirable, formed an unfortunate liaison with a woman who was socially beneath him; this led him to indulge in some foolishly charitable acts that he must later have regretted. I would certainly have discouraged his philanthropic tendencies.
Sylvia Fairley

Tony Blair
Everyone knows “The Charge of the Light Brigade”, about the “valiant six hundred” who were massacred at Balaclava through their commanders’ incompetence.
Regrettably, 600 is roughly the number of British soldiers to date who have died in Afghanistan and Iraq. Of course, the circumstances are quite different, as our wars in Afghanistan and Iraq were necessary for me to remain on good terms with President Bush. And there have been no failures of command comparable with Lucan and Raglan at Balaclava.
So why have I chosen “Baron Blair of Balaclava”? I thought it a fitting way to commemorate those brave soldiers who died serving my interests – that is to say, serving their country. Afterthe battle, Lord Cardigan left the field and went on board his yacht, where he ate a champagne dinner. I shall now do the same.
Brian Allgar

Lady Gaga
You know, it’s like totally weird becoming a life peer? I feel, like, so blessed? Why Baroness Gaga? As you know I stand up for what I believe. For example, I’m wearing this real ermine meat dress to make a stand against privilege and your class system, in, like, a real way? I chose to retain the name Lady Gaga to take into your House of Lords, to make a stand. Too many people poke fun at the peers, seeing them as ageing, mentally impaired buffoons. I wanted to reclaim the oppressive term “gaga” as a stand against this facile ageism and discrimination against people with mental incapacity. It’s certainly more striking than my real name. Yes, Baroness Abbott of Hackney North and Stoke Newington just doesn’t have the same ring to it.
David Silverman