[Chris O'Carroll]

Bill Greenwell and Adrian Fry win this week. (John Major does not.)

No 4233
Set by Leonora Casement
This week we would like entries from a (bad) English phrase-book for foreign tourists visiting well-known tourist destinations in Britain. Back in the 1950s, a similar comp elicited the following for visitors to the Royal Academy: “I have lost my husband (wife) in the Sculpture Hall. I think he (she) is studying a Nymph (Satyr).” And for those braving a summer break in a holiday camp: “Ho ho, you are merry ones to fling me with my bed into the pool, ho ho!”. The locations are up to you.
Max 15 phrases by 28 June comp@newstatesman.co.uk

[Brian Allgar]

What was it Basil said some time ago about scraping the bottom of the barrel? This one seems to me more like serving up splinters from the barrel itself.

“Ho ho, you are merry ones to fling me with my bed into the pool, ho ho!”.

Ho, ho, indeed. Any uproarious laughter to be heard out there?

[Adrian Fry]

I've never found 'funny foreigner' humour all that funny and this is no exception. Monty Python's 'My hovercraft is full of eels.' amuses me still, but absurd phrasebook phrases is another comp entirely.

[John Whitworth]

Hoffnung's Tyrolean landlords made me laugh. Not you, Adrian?

[Ann Drysdale]

Not a million miles from the Speccie's recent misleading advice, methinks.

[basil ransome-davies]

Call me a grumpy old man but I too find this comp about as funny as Hoffnung, Abbot & Costello or watching celery grow.

[John Whitworth]

You're an ungrumpy old man, Bazza. It's being so cheerful keeps you going.

[basil ransome-davies]

Originally Posted by John Whitworth

You're an ungrumpy old man, Bazza. It's being so cheerful keeps you going.

I cherish that, John. So few people have that much insight. They only see the outer psychopath.

[Nigel Mace]

Surely the true Hoffnung parallel is with "Have you tried the famous echo in the British Museum Reading Room?". The object here is to make fun of ourselves - that should get John going.

How about a phrase book for Edinburghers stuck in Glasgow - or vice versa? Cornishmen in the metropolis of Plymouth - or really far out, Exeter! Or Etonians in pasty shops? Or teucthers (gaels from the Hebrides) in Edinburgh (Billy Connoly's already done them in Glasgow)? Or Americans almost anywhere among us since they have the special handicap of believing they don't need a phrase book!

The possibilities are almost limitless - and what's interesting about the woeful '50s examples is what they say, despite lots of continuing insularity, about the ignorant and isolated attitudes of that era. We remain a pretty limited people in terms of openness to the ideas and mores of the rest of the planet - but my goodness we've come a long way since then.

[Brian Allgar]

Blimey, Basil! Abbot and Costello - agreed. Celery growing - agreed. But you don't like Hoffnung?

I pride myself on my acuity. I'm not fooled by the outer psychopath. I've now seen straight through to the inner psychopath.