[Brian Allgar]

(Another Henry. The snag is, I can't think of a novel to put him in. On the other hand, Henry James presumably also counts as a historical figure.)

The Portal of a Lady

We are, as it were, conceived by a process that is at once so complicated, so pleasurable - at least, reputedly, by those who have experienced it, which I myself, despite numerous attempts to persuade a member of the fair sex to instruct me in those peculiar delights, have not, to date, and to my utmost regret, managed to do - and yet, in its physical details, so indelicate (I had almost said repellent), that to describe it would be a task that might well prove beyond the ability of one who possessed a sensibility, not to put too fine a point upon it, far less acute than my own, and who might well (as I confess I find myself inclined to do), rather than embarking on an explanation that must prove highly embarrassing to both parties, recommend you to seek guidance from a qualified medical practitioner.

[John Whitworth]

Yes, he certainly is. Though of course it has to be said that every single character in a James novel who has anything much to say sounds like Henry James.

[Douglas G. Brown]

THE PASSIONATE EFFIECIENCY EXPERT TO HIS LOVE

(By Frank Bunker Gilbreth, Sr. , American pioneer of Time and Motion Study, and father of 12 children, born from 1905-1922. His fifth child, Frank Bunker Gilbreth, Jr., and his third child, Ernestine Gilbreth Carey, co-authored the best-selling book Cheaper By the Dozen, a nonfiction account of growing up in the large Gilbreth family. This book was made into two successful movies.)

Eternal vows we both have voiced;
Your vaginal recess is moist,
And ever since our wedding date
I have declined to masturbate.

You’re lovely dear, so I’m aroused;
And legally, we are espoused.
I’d love to sing of passions, wild -
But we are here to make a child.

Take off your clothes and come to bed;
Tonight’s the night you must be bred.
Your ovulation table says
This is the optimum of days.

The manual which I just wrote,
On page eleven says, I quote:
“Stretch out, relax, serenely lie
As shown in figure Sixteen - I.”

I need no stimulant or drug
When I unreel my cord and plug
Your socket, dear. It's so sublime,
We’ll copulate in record time.

And then we’ll write a book or two
To show those fact’ries what to do
To manufacture cars or toys,
Like you’ve cranked out our girls and boys.

(Low rumbles, as Christopher Marlowe rolls over in his grave)

[John Whitworth]

Good fun but too long. I know it says 150 words but Lucy is thinking prose. No poem of more than sixteen lines will get a look in because it's too long on the Speccie page. So you have to cut it to sixteen lines whatever the rules say. In my opinion.

[Brian Allgar]

John is right. You'd need to cut two stanzas, and, of course, the long explanation at the beginning.

It is probable that Lucy is expecting prose, but I know from experience that (unlike the New Statesman) she won't automatically discard verse.

[Douglas G. Brown]

Originally Posted by John Whitworth

Good fun but too long. I know it says 150 words but Lucy is thinking prose. No poem of more than sixteen lines will get a look in because it's too long on the Speccie page. So you have to cut it to sixteen lines whatever the rules say. In my opinion.

John,

Thanks for the tip. I can cut the first two verses without too much problem, though I like the rhymes in S1. Darn it, this clocked in at 147 words, too. Now I see why sonnets are so popular for these comps.

I must thank you for your mention of the British nudist mag with the title "Health and Efficiency", which was the sole inspiration for this. I recalled Cheaper by the Dozen (both the book and the first movie), and figured the Gilbreths were pretty "efficient" in the bedroom. By the way, he dropped dead on a train platform at age 55, but Mrs. G. lived well into her nineties. Most of the kids made it to their eighties, too.

[Douglas G. Brown]

Originally Posted by Brian Allgar

John is right. You'd need to cut two stanzas, and, of course, the long explanation at the beginning.

It is probable that Lucy is expecting prose, but I know from experience that (unlike the New Statesman) she won't automatically discard verse.

Brian,
Yes, I will have to drop the windy explanation. Gilbreth is well known to people who've taken management or production engineering courses in college, though I doubt he is known to the liberal arts crowd.

Being the subject of a nonfiction book and two movies should make him "famous". Plus, his surname is unusual enough that it pops up on top of a Google search.