[Chris O'Carroll]

No 4284
By Leonora Casement
We want a letter supposedly providing a reference for someone that, while seeming to praise the subject, reveals the true nature of his or her failings.
Max 150 words by 18 July comp@newstatesman.co.uk

[Rob Stuart]

Originally Posted by Chris O'Carroll

No 4284
By Leonora Casement
We want a letter supposedly providing a reference for someone that, while seeming to praise the subject, reveals the true nature of his or her failings.
Max 150 words by 18 July comp@newstatesman.co.uk

Good God, I do this all the time for real!

[Ann Drysdale]

Alas, Rob, your bluff is called.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-23160583

[Rob Stuart]

No bluff, Ann. I'm thinking about references for university, really. You're not allowed to say 'so and so is a lazy toerag', so you have to say things like 'has managed to attend three lectures this year' and 'has had some issues acclimatising to the expectations of the course.' It's quite an art.

Interesting article, though.

[Graham King]

1)
Mr K. has many original attributes distinguishing him from everyday candidates for employment. Not only was his timekeeping here sufficient, but he frequently arrived or left outwith his contracted paid hours in order to pick up what he could, without charge: enhancing his store of proprietary knowledge and personal familiarity with our equipment. Regarding teamwork, he has a remarkable facility for observation and swift emulation, and often was able to stand in for colleagues in writing or by telephone, ad hoc and entirely on his own initiative; with suppliers, customers (or even staff’s family members) not realizing the substitution. This innovative adaptability led to remarkable results, as our figures for sales, orders (and inventory) after his arrival reached levels previously unseen. His contribution to morale has been electric, and with great regrets now we wish him success seeking employment elsewhere, whether in another field entirely or with our competitors.

[Lois Elaine Heckman]

I would like to call your attention to Mr. Benjamin Dover. He is highly qualified for the position you are offering, as his understanding of sales is intimate and his experience deep. He has never come short of expectations.

Since he has been operating in the field, our profits have taken a noticeable change of direction, and customers tell us that dealing with him is extremely gratifying. Ben is always able to give them exactly what they want.

In order to be of service in the office, he is willing to help colleagues handle their necessary functions, even leaning over backwards to offer assistance. They just have to call his name. His expectations are reasonable and his methods versatile and effective.

Our staff members have often taken advantage of his natural capacities and will sorely miss him. We know you would find him a useful addition for your workforce.

[Graham King]

Miss P. de V. in her time with us made very notable strides forward, enlivening the factory greatly and stimulating increased and lively communication between colleagues at all levels. As Personal Assistant to the Managing Director, she underpinned his own efforts energetically and achieved considerable reorganisation of his working relationships and indeed family life. She promoted the company enthusiastically to clients and was able to secure a number of high-value orders that otherwise would have eluded us, by application of her personal acumen and striking corpus of assets to those putative contracts where significant persuasion was required to overcome initial reluctance to close the deal. Many of us are sorry to see her go, and it is only due to an understandable growing competitive rivalry– even jealousy– among Department heads, wishing her professional attention re their respective members and spheres, that we must now recommend her to employment elsewhere.

[Rob Stuart]

Dr. Strange’s commitment to his patients goes well beyond what one might reasonably expect of a medical professional. Hospital staff have frequently observed him lifting up the surgical gowns of young women recovering from operations in order to conduct his own supplementary examinations, presumably to see if the surgeons have overlooked anything important. This is always done before the anaesthetic has worn off in order to avoid any embarrassment to those concerned. Not every problem may be apparent at first sight, hence Dr. Strange’s insistence on capturing the evidence on HD video wherever possible. The fact that he often takes this material home for further study on those evenings when his wife is out at her book club is further testament to his extraordinary dedication. Of course, the candidate’s field is ophthalmology rather than gynaecology, but such reductive definitions hardly seem appropriate in discussion of this highly unusual individual.

Having been asked to comment on Father O’Malley’s suitability for a bishopric I can confirm that the candidate has a far more intimate knowledge of sin than most clerics, having apparently committed a great deal of them himself in what I take to be sort of harmartiological research project. As Wittgenstein observed ‘Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent,’ and I understand that there is now very little on which O’Malley may not legitimately pronounce. Although considerations of time, space and good taste preclude my going into details, suffice to say that this Rasputin de nos jours has had cause to repent so often, and of such serious transgressions, that the joy brought to Heaven as a result must be beyond measure. The modesty of the man is such that he chooses not to publicly acknowledge his involvement in what must be exhausting work both, physically and spiritually.

[Douglas G. Brown]

Elmer Huddlleston’s unique abilities as a creative accountant are the main reason why I have gotten to where I am today. Despite his formal education being limited to a 2 year degree from Beverly Hills Community College in “Hollywood Accounting”, Elmer knows esoteric intricacies of Generally Accepted Accounting Standards that escape the attention of even the most ruthless Wall Streeter. Don’t be mislead by Elmer’s meek and self effacing manner; in a financial world where Peter is routinely robbed to pay Paul, Elmer can grapple with the best of them, and come out on top.

Elmer served my organization with magnificent discretion and unflagging loyalty for 47 years. It is only because of my current long term engagement with the Federal Government that you have this unique opportunity to add him to your management team.

Sincerely,
Bernard “Bernie” Madoff

[Graham King]

Professor J.’s innovative, dynamic work has raised the ceiling in our laboratory not once but repeatedly. We invested considerably following his directions, with significant impacts abundant, though not always of the form expected; this is typical of such ‘blue sky’ research. There has been keen turnover among staff working under his supervision, not a few of whom progressed to higher planes of activity in consequence. His appetite for resources and capacity to find novel outlets for them in this research building have widened our scope considerably- clearing avenues that before stood obstructed, opening new vistas- drawing wide neighbourhood and media attention: one may truthfully assert we are known locally as a bright light and big noise! The Professor is eager to pursue investigations with facilities greater than those now available here, which we cannot afford to fund, so we must see him depart. We wish his future employers well.