[Jayne Osborn]

I haven't read Hamlet or A A Milne for several decades, so will have to refresh my memory before I attempt this one. The more erudite among you won't need to do that, of course!

Jayne


COMPETITION NO 167
by Tessa Castro

After a spree at prose in No 166, it’s back to dear verse. My friend Oliver Bernard, who died some weeks ago, compared himself in The Oldie to Hamlet – and to Piglet from the Pooh books. So a verse dialogue between Hamlet and Piglet, please. Maximum 16 lines.

Entries to ‘Competition No 167’ by post (The Oldie, 65 Newman Street, London W1T 3EG), email (comps@theoldie.co.uk) or fax (020 7436 8804) by 23rd August 2013. Don’t forget to include your postal address.

[Rob Stuart]

I've read this through a couple of times now. It really does say that, doesn't it? Jesus wept.

[Jayne Osborn]

It really does say that, Rob. Even though it's late and I'm knackered, I copied it correctly.

Not your cup of tea? Any topic in verse is better than a prose comp, though, isn't it?

Jayne

[John Whitworth]

Of course it's Piglit really, if you're Piglet. Ghosts and Heffalumps spring to mind. A Heffalump on the battlements.

[Brian Allgar]

Pity it's not Macbeth.

PIGLET: Is this a haycorn that I see before me?

[Seree Zohar]

Isn't Ham-let Piglet's mum?

[Brian Allgar]

Piglet:xxxIs this a pikestaff that I see before me?
Hamlet:xxNo, little friend, ‘tis but a bare bodkin -
Piglet:xxxI know a bear who’d like to borrow it
xxxxxxxxxTo help him hoik the honey from the hives.
Hamlet:xxO, honey! ‘Tis a dainty-sweet confection
xxxxxxxxxDevoutly to be wished, like fair Ophe---
Piglet:xxxWith this, he wouldn’t need to get so close;
xxxxxxxxxHe’d poke it in while staying out of reach.
Hamlet:xxNo reason for the bear to grunt and sweat
xxxxxxxxxWhen probing for the undiscover’d pantry.
Piglet:xxxHe’s used balloons to float him to the spot
xxxxxxxxxWhere honey’s to be had, but ends up stung.
Hamlet:xThe stings and arrows of outragèd bees -
Piglet:xxxHe’s tried disguises, but they never work;
xxxxxxxxxA bee, or not a bee; that is the question,
xxxxxxxxxAnd somehow they can always tell he’s not.

[Jayne Osborn]

Very clever, Brian; I love "stings and arrows" and "A bee or not a bee".

Jayne

[Douglas G. Brown]

Brian,
This ought to finish in the money.

[John Whitworth]

On the Battlements

Is this a ghost goes bumpy-bump?
No, no, a horrid heffalump.
It is a ghost. It see it frown.
It's heffalumping up and down.
I must go on. I have no choice.
It's got a heffalumpy voice.
I know that voice and it's my pappy.
We'll catch it in a heffatrappy.
He speaks unto my very soul.
A heffattrappy sort of hole.
He tells me I must kill the king.
A hole-y, pitt-y sort of thing.
Alas, I fear that I will rue it.
Elevenses with Pooh would do it.
A bloody business, raw and rough.
Haycorns and hunny! That's the stuff.