[kate peachtea]

Scott's poem -
explodes the traditional sonnet -
it's a shake-down -
and a good critique too,
under light wraps.

[R.A. Briggs]

I think Scott Miller wins this thread.

[Michael Cantor]

Another vote for Scott - Best Crit.

But I'm afraid I'm not as enthusiastic about the sonnet. Reasonably well done, but nothing to really excite me, and the L3 inversion and clumsy syntax in L4 lose me early. To be honest, I think it would have been much more successful if the language were a noirish as Scott's riff.

[Jennifer Gordon]

The volta only becomes more dramatic in the closing couplet which is too perfectly rendered thus since that is how the movies and novels forever must end. We never see but the finally wedded couple ride off into the sunset to supposedly live happily ever after although modern morality proves that an utter folly dreamed up simply to induce folk to tie the knot.

Too charming.

L3 does seem to use inverted phraseology with its "passion bittersweet" which I see Stephen reworked sweetly, yet if I was the sonneteer I'd prefer to keep it as is since there is something about the original rendering which is lost in his. As the critic standing outside it, which I likewise do with mine, I still wish the line read less awkwardly.

The difficulty with L4 is the repetition of sounds in "war or" which throws the reader off, but actually reads sufficiently well if you can swallow that.

I love the variety in imagery, mixing old and new to craft the usual story line with that subtle undertone which only the closing couplet reveals.

If I nit-pick further, I wish, yes feminine rhyming justified, still L10 would be nicer sans it.

Lovely bit of Spenserian sonneteering. Have I missed anything? I love this one too. Now how am I going to manage voting?

Thanks for sharing.

ttfn,
Jenny

[L.M. Price]

For me, this one depends too much on the last line. It's well-written, I enjoyed it, but when, after the 'ah-ha, I know the secret now' moment of the last line, I go back and re-read the rest, nothing has changed.

[Janice D. Soderling]

Just a note to thank everyone who commented and not least those who gave me some votes. I've always had a complex about sonnet writing, and I did this for a workshop but submitted it before it was discussed there since the deadline was approaching and the wifi connection wasn't always reliable.

I want to say also I thought Scott Miller's take on "Film Noir" was amusing. There is some talent there and I'm looking forward to some more texts in that L.A. vein.

However the sonnet was NOT intended to be in the film noir genre. The title was a joke, "black film", but that wasn't apparent to everyone, so maybe it should have a title change.

Congratulations to all the winners--well-deserved--I too thought it was a great bake-off and it was cool to see so many new names. Hope you will all stick around and take part in future workshops, discussions and competitions.

Thanks again to Alex for providing the forums, our excellent judges, and all the participants who came, read, commented the ten posted sonnets.

Already looking forward to next year's bash. (No pun intended. )

[Diane Arnson Svarlien]

I like this sonnet a lot, and I voted for it as one of my top three. (Let me here again apologize publicly for not knowing the etiquette, and voting for my own, too). Congratulations to the author.

I agree that "upped" doesn't work; in my view "upset" would be metrically legit in its place. I like the humor of applecart/tart, and I think the almost childlike "cause" at the end strikes just the right note.

Addition after seeing Janice Soderling's post: the title Film Noir works for me. I wouldn't go changing it!

[Andrew Sacks]

Another nod here in the direction of that great Scott Miller post.

[Janice D. Soderling]

Just a brief thank you to Diane and welcome to the Sphere. I later decided that upset was better, before the crits began, but after I had sent it. Also a friend of mine suggested "for" rather than "'cause" and it isn't hard to see the felicity of that suggestion. I made another small change in L1. But since I never think I can write good sonnets, I was OTT to get in the top ten.

Andrew. As I said in my post #38, I thought Scott's L.A. voice was clever, but it isn't the diction I was striving for. It's OK to prefer it though, and maybe we will see some poems by Scott in that persona. Hope so.

[Diane Arnson Svarlien]

Thanks, Janice.
To my ear, "for" meaning "because" is precious, and its tone would (seriously!) wreck the poem for me. But maybe "cause" is a little too childlike (also, should perhaps be " 'cause "?). Hey, how about "since"!