[Jan Iwaszkiewicz]

Diana Ankudinova

Sing dark to me, engorge my heart,
in sounds that taste both round and full,
in voice that’s timbred slow and low,
sing dark to me, I’ve life to fill.

Sing dark to me and charge my skin
and fever every nerve with fire.
Dark songs to rise in burning blood
exciting hunger and desire.

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Jan—

I was not familiar with this singer, but I listened to her perform a few songs on YouTube. She has a remarkable range and a powerful voice.

I like the synesthesia in S1L2 and the use of “fever” as a verb in S2L2. I wondered whether you might add another quatrain or two and refer to a specific song or characteristic of her that makes her special to you.

Enjoyed it.

Glenn

[Jan Iwaszkiewicz]

Glad you enjoyed it Glen and I am glad to have introduced you to this superb and rare contralto voice which is incredible in one so young.

This a paean to her voice not to any particular song. They refer to her as a shaman and she has that magic.

My thanks,

Jan

[Alex Pepple]

Hi, Jan,

This is quite evocative. I'm not familiar with the singer, but you've piqued my curiosity—I’ll have to sample her work!

Here are a few tweaks that might help with flow and musicality—feel free to take or leave them as you see fit!

Diana Ankudinova

Sing dark to me, engorge my heart,
in sounds of taste both round and full,
in voice of timbred, slow and low,
sing dark to me with life to fill.

Sing dark to me and charge my skin,
and fever every nerve with fire.
Dark songs will rise in burning blood,
thus fueling hunger and desire.

Suggestions & Why They Might Help:

1. "in sounds that taste" → "in sounds of taste both round and full"
   - "That taste" is more literal, while "of taste" makes it more metaphorical and abstract, reinforcing a sensory connection.
   - I like your "both round and full," which enhances musicality and imagery, making the phrase more immersive.
   
2. "in voice that’s timbred slow and low" → "in voice of timbred, slow and low"
   - Changing "that’s timbred" → "of timbred" makes the syntax more fluid and avoids the contraction, keeping the poetic tone more formal.
   - A comma after "timbred" helps separate and clarify the layered description, improving readability.
   
3. "sing dark to me, I’ve life to fill" → "sing dark to me with life to fill"
   - "I’ve life to fill" feels more introspective, but "with life to fill" shifts the focus to music as the vehicle for filling life, making it more natural and seamless.
   
4. "Dark songs to rise" → "Dark songs will rise"
   - "To rise" feels like an instruction, whereas "will rise" makes it more active and inevitable, reinforcing the sense of growing intensity.
   
5. "exciting hunger and desire" → "thus fueling hunger and desire"
   - "Exciting" is fine, but "thus fueling" feels more fluid and organic. It strengthens the cause-and-effect relationship, making the build-up more dramatic.

The atmosphere here is already strong, and these tweaks are just meant to enhance the natural flow and emotional intensity. Looking forward to seeing how this evolves!

Good luck, Jan!

Cheers,
...Alex

[John Riley]

Jan, I've listened to her for some time now. Her version of "Can't Help Falling in Love" is strange and beautiful. Your poem does a good job of capturing her style and beauty.

[Erik Olson]

Jan,

I never heard her voice, yet your poem managed to give me a distinct impression of it. Bravo!

Erik

[Jan Iwaszkiewicz]

Hi Alex,
Thank you for your in-depth look at this. It is one that I wrote relatively quickly for me and I do not think I have a handle on it yet. Her voice evokes so much in me that I cannot do it justice at this stage or perhaps even ever. I will take on board your comments as I revise thank you.

I hope you have now listened to her.

Further I must thank you for this site. I have been here now for many many years from the halcyon days of EfH and Tim. My attendance is often sporadic. I have too many demands on me at present. My thanks must also extend to every member here.

Kind regards,

Jan

Thank you for your kind words John and Erik