[Trevor Conway]

Hi Alex,

I'm not sure how accurate my interpretation is, but this seemed to be about a club scene, then, at the end, remembering one's youth. I was intrigued and engaged in the first three lines, but then you lost me. It just felt like the poem/idea got swamped in verbiage (if I'm using that word correctly). I then re-engaged towards the end. I'd suggest simpllifying the middle section, using some simpler language in parts, maybe some short lines for a chnage in rhythm/flow, and potentially developing the idea/thought there a bit more.

I didn't understand your use of "whet" or "the homage honed on fecund frame" (if it refers to an attractive person, it seems overwritten/unnecessarily opaque, but my interpretation may wrong there).

The first line was particularly effective - nicely phrased, without too much obscurity. I'd say more in a similar vein would work well.

All the best, Alex

Trev

Originally Posted by Alex Pepple

Chronicles of the Clubs


Then love would blaze through us within a second—
just time enough to scan silhouette,
fête blonde or not, the homage honed on fecund
frame, face, as the allure was whet.
Insight distilled through years of twilit blights,
till left in homes
                                 beyond our bygone nights.

--------
L3: "fete" > "fête"; "chorus" > "homage"
L5: "Foresight" > "insight"
L6: "held" > "left"
L7: "yesterday's" > "our bygone"

[James Brancheau]

Hi Alex—I admit that the “us” and “our” initially led me down quite the wrong path, not thinking then that they were being used to speak for all men, or a common experience. I thought that there may have been some swinging going on... Leave it to me to jump from A to Z...

I like this, but I want to like it more. I agree with Matt re the heightened language in places. It does make the poem seem a bit removed from the situation. At the same time, I find it kind of interesting, and, perhaps, a possible opportunity if, for instance, the title took this into account. “The Poet… such and such,” etc. "homage,” in particular, seems to go with a poet’s perspective (or what one might more traditionally associate with a poet’s perspective). In addition, that might open up other possible word choices for “insight.” I think “insight” is a good replacement for “foresight,” and I don’t really have any issues with it. Just saying that it opens up possibilities.

I’m very fond of the close, though “homes” didn’t do enough to make me think of nursing homes. I just thought of regular houses, and one-night stands came to mind, the experiences left in various places. Intended or not, I quite like the hint of that there—especially the possible double duty of “twilit blights,” which I’ve come to really like. So I might focus on making nursing homes clearer, without spelling it out, and keeping the above-mentioned suggestiveness. Fwiw, and I've really enjoyed thinking about this.

[Alex Pepple]

Thank you all for the continued attention to the poem and your thoughtful suggestions for improvement.

Matt, I'm glad "insight" works better for you. Regarding the sentence clarity, I suspect "distilled" wasn't landing as intended, so I've reverted to "evolved," from older drafts—which feels more straightforward while still conveying development over time. You're right that the phrasing seemed to suggest "insight" was what's left in homes. I've changed "left" to "placed" (which better suggests institutional placement) and added an em dash to clarify that it’s the men themselves and not insight in the homes.

Trevor, thank you for identifying what's working and what needs clarification. I'm pleased the opening resonates! For the middle section, I've simplified the language considerably. "The homage honed on" is now "our reverence aimed at," and "allure" has become "desire" - hopefully making the intended sense clearer while maintaining the poem's impact. So, even with “whet” maintained as it works on various levels, including the punning level, it should be more straightforward.

James, I appreciate your thoughtful engagement and can understand the initial confusion with "us" and "our." But I agree it could easily suggest something more specific or ambiguous at first read. Your points about accessibility align with Matt's and Trevor's observations, so the simplifications I've made should address those concerns while preserving what's working in the poem.

Thank you all for helping me see where clarity was needed. I hope these revisions make the poem more accessible while maintaining its essential character.

Cheers,
...Alex

[Matt Q]

Hi Alex,

I don't know that the dash does anything to change the implied subject of "placed" at the close. It doesn't for me, anyway.

Can I check if I understand what it is you want to communicate at the close: The insight wasn't previously there, but it arose and then was refined a result of the process of experiencing later-life blights. This insight was refined (grew ever clearer) until they were put in institutional care homes?

Does "till" this mean the growing insight was the cause of their institutionalisation? (cf. the water rose until it overflowed) Or that institutionalisation ended the process of refinement/clarification of the insight (cf the water boiled until the kettle switched off)? Or you not want to imply any causal relationship here, just a temporal sequence, in which case I wonder if "till" is the right word.

I do prefer "distilled" to "evolved", since latter seems more abstract, evokes has less image. I guess the issue is that the process of distilled is that normally means something like purified (or clarified) or implying that insight is already there in a more diluted form. But I don't know if "evolved" changes that much. It can have this implication too. Something has to already exist to evolve.

Another point of confusion for me: the homes are "beyond those faded nights", but aren't their twilight years also beyond those faded nights too? I'm guessing the men have long since stopped clubbing and falling in love at the drop of hat by the time they're experiencing these twilit blights hit? Or is the poem saying they've become senile, and hence no longer to remember them, and are now beyond them in that sense?

Maybe I still misunderstand what you're trying to convey at the close. However, I do wonder if you're trying to squeeze too much into the space you have, and the over-concision that's forcing you into is affecting the intelligibility of the poem's ending. In which case, you there may not not be a small tweak that fixes this and you may need consider a bigger revision of the close.

best,

Matt

[Alex Pepple]

Hello, Matt,

Thank you for your close attention and for articulating so many of the possible readings—some of which had crossed my mind, others of which are new and interesting to me.

Your note also reminds me why I’m generally reluctant to explicate my own poems. Too much “explaining” can flatten a poem’s ambiguities and, as you say, encourage a kind of overly linear or logical reading that poetry is often trying to resist. I want each reader to arrive at their own sense of meaning or feeling, even (or especially) when the lines are open to multiple interpretations.

While "insight growing until placed in homes" doesn’t fit my intended logic, "years of blights progressing until placed in homes" does. The "placed in homes" phrase is deliberately open-ended with no direct subject. It doesn't make literal sense for "insight" to be placed in homes, but it does make sense for the speaker's group to end up there.

I've made some small tweaks to help with a clearer reading: the em dash is now a semicolon, essentially starting a new sentence with the subject not directly tied to what precedes it. Also, it's now "our faded nights" instead of "those faded nights," with "our" providing more linkage between the speaker's group and the homes.

Ultimately, though, I’m content to let the language do what it will and let the poem stand as it is, inviting whatever resonance or meaning a reader might find.

Thanks again for your engagement!

Cheers,
…Alex

[Trevor Conway]

Hi Alex,

No problem. You're welcome. I think those changes work better. Re "whet", I guess the main issue I have is that you are using it like an adjective, whereas I think of it as a verb, so your use of it feels too forced. If it was something along the lines of "desire to whet", it would work both ways for me, alluding to "wet" whilst also keeping the thread of "whet" without jarring too much because of the adjective/verb issue.

Anyway, nice work, and best of luck with revising it.

Trev

[Alex Pepple]

Hello, Trev,

Good point about the usage of 'whet.' I considered changing 'was whet' to 'got whet' but that didn't address the grammatical issue sufficiently. So I've tweaked it to make the verb usage unmistakable: '... they whet.'

Thanks again for your continued engagement with the piece!

Cheers,
...Alex