[Chris O'Carroll]

No 4212

Set by Leonora Casement

As part of 2012’s celebrations to mark the life and influence of the 20th-century mathematician and code-breaker Alan Turing, Reading University is running a special one-day event, Turing100, on what would have been his 100th birthday. This will feature a display of the Turing Test, a Q&A session designed to test the ability of machines to pass as human. If a judge cannot reliably tell machine from human, the machine is said to have passed the test. We asked you to think up a Q&A session
with anyone (human, animal, machine) to confound the judge.

This week’s winners
Superb. This week John Palmer sent in an actual Q&A session that featured on Newsnight in 1997, with Michael Howard questioned at length by Jeremy Paxman. While an example of machine-like responses, we felt it couldn’t really win a prize. However, you get a £5 book token for remembering it:
Q Did you threaten to overrule Mr Lewis and suspend the governor of Parkhurst?
A I have given a full account of my actions to parliament.
Q Did you threaten to overrule Mr Lewis?
A The position is what I told the House of Commons.
Q Did you threaten to overrule Mr Lewis?
A I was entitled to express my view.
Q Did you threaten to overrule Mr Lewis?
A The governor was not suspended, he was moved.
Q But did you threaten to overrule Mr Lewis?
A I did not overrule Mr Lewis.
Q Could you answer the question?
A I have accounted for my actions to the House of Commons.
But, however good it was to be reminded of this, it actually broke
the rules – the answers not the questions were supposed to throw
doubt over whether that individual was a machine or not.
The winners get £25 each, with the Tesco vouchers going, in addition, to Brian D Allingham.

Rough, rough
Q How do you feel whe you wake up after a heavy night’s drinking?
A Rough.
Q What do you call the area beside the fairway on a golf course?
A Rough.
Q What is the outer skin of a tree called?
A Bark.
Q What is a three-masted, square-sterned sailing ship called?
A Barque.
Q Complete this phrase – “warp and . . .”
A Woof.
Q What’s the covering of a house?
A Woof.
Brian D Allingham

Editorial policy
Q Would you work freely as a journalist for the British tabloid press, take a job as a columnist in a right-wing red top or become an editor of one of the most reactionary newspapers in the western world?
A Yes.
Q Would you be at ease publishing a story without knowing how information was obtained or if facts were true regardless of whether careers could be ruined, families traduced and lives destroyed?
A Yes.
Q Would your editorial policy be the following? If it sounds right, it probably is right so lob it in.
A Yes.
Wendy Burrell

Cleansing cycle
Q What is your role in life?
A To cleanse the world of its stains and restore its original freshness.
Q Would you describe yourself as a religious leader?
A I can only work with the fabric of humanity as I find it. I follow after the event.
Q Is there a spiritual element to your work?
A Warmth and that necessary solution dissolving the detritus we accumulate and carry through the day. Release, revival, restoration with integrity: I offer what I can.
Q How would you describe your motivation?
A Proud to be part of the ongoing cycle of purification and renewal, the purging of the clinging past; proud to go deep, to work out the marks and signatures of daily grind.
D A Prince

Regular servicing
Q How important is connectivity?
A Essential for intergenerational continuity, and nice to get lucky on Friday night.
Q Frequency?
A Determinants include stimulus-response programming, component fatigue, Sunday afternoon weather and what’s on the box.
Q Duration?
A Constraints of time and environment must be considered, ie, five minutes or all day upstairs to play with, so to speak.
Q Standard or deviation?
A Affirmative on successful docking, indicated by audible signal, triggers infinite choice software, and there’s lots of ideas in “The Joy of Connectivity”.
Q Maintenance?
A Regular servicing at intervals suggested by the manual and checked by qualified personnel. WD-40 recommended, specially for squeaky bed-springs!
Derek Morgan