Hi,
Julie and
Richard—
Julie—I’m glad you feel I’m moving in the right direction. I don’t think the problem with sportsmanship is that it is mysterious or hard to understand. Rather, it requires a subordination of one’s own desire for glory to the best interests of the team and honorable norms of behavior. It seems to come more naturally to children than to adults. I thought the secondary stress on the last syllable of “difficult” would justify its use in this meter.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Richard G
the final couplet still comes out of nowhere (maybe look to a new title to lay a bit of the groundwork?)
I’m conceiving of sportsmanship in its broadest sense. The obnoxious dad’s behavior shows bad sportsmanship, and the fact that his son is disturbed by it suggests that he has a better understanding of sportsmanship than his father. That sets up the conclusion expressed in the last two lines.
Unfortunately, “whizzed” also has a rather distasteful slang meaning, but I trust that won’t be a problem in context.
Not sure, you have 'plops' earlier (which might be seen as priming the pump.) Do they zip where you are?
“Zipping” solves this problem nicely.
The flash of the puck is their ultimate thrill.
Is it? I'd have thought that would be scoring/winning.
Fair point. I made the adjustment.
His breakaway ends with expected result.
Rather flat, for me. I'll see your Vandal and raise you
His breakaway ends in a raucous tumult.
I get to the shouting and exulting two lines later. The understated tone of S7L3 suggests that the N feels a bit sorry for the boy whose father’s boorishness embarrassed him and contributed to the error that lost the game.
The belligerent father can’t help but insult.
Who or what?
Alternatively
The stadium shakes as the winners exult.
The din drowns out the hockey dad''s insult.
For the meter to work, “insult” has to be a verb. Normally “insult” is transitive, so you’re right that the absence of a direct object is a problem. I made an adjustment designed to focus on the action itself rather than its target. Let me know if it doesn’t help.
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Thanks, both, for your generous and helpful comments.
Glenn
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