Hi Richard,
What fun this is - but am I
really the only person who's noticed "the the" in the very first line? I reminded me of that well-known proof-reading test:
xxxPARIS
xxIN THE
THE SPRING
That aside, I enjoyed this very much. I've never seen "June" used as an adjective before, which is splendid.
Regarding the morn//-ing thing, it didn't bother me at all, but how about joining two stanzas together throughout the poem, and leaving the last (19th) one as a kind of stand-alone dénouement? It would have the added advantage of making the poem look a tad shorter, but without shortening it.
Please don't get rid of Mrs Macklin, I beg you! It made me think of a 'mac' (i.e. mackintosh/raincoat, to go with the rain, but even more so of the hilarious Pauline McLynn as Mrs Doyle in
Father Ted. I have to know whether we're on the same wavelength here, Richard: is this how you came to include 'Mrs Macklin'?
Maybe there's already such an establishement, but I wanted to read "World of Men" rather than "World of Len". Is "Len" particularly significant in a way I'm not familiar with, other than my first thought, above?
Ah, wait a sec... I've just Googled World of Men, which gave me:
World of Men is a successful gay pornographic film series of 12 productions (OK, as you were!
)
Regarding the student/ or teacher [possible] confusion, would simply "
My lesson not yet over; from
the classroom..." make it clearer that it's the adult teacher who's speaking? (Although the fact that "they're" about to be surprised indicated to me that 'they' are the pupils. Also, the repair of the window "I look out of every day" signalled to me it's the N's form room.)
Folding poor old Mr Jones into an envelope, and the council delaying repairs to the paving slabs, made me laugh! (Think potholes like craters in every single English town and city, which councils do chuff all to rectify.
)
I hope this helps. All in all, a super-duper poem; love it. It goes to show that sometimes archaisms and inversions work well and we shouldn't automatically reject them as a tool, particularly in light verse.
Jayne
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