I have tried to address the problems that you are unhappy with and taken liberties in trying to strengthen the weak spots. All are only offers. Most are small, but some are a bit big
Done a flip in the 2nd line to break the two lines beginning with IN..
A fresh hand grasped the whip, the blows increased
as lead-spliced leather hissed its strength and came
in contact with the bloody back--the same
as knives might carve the carcass of a beast.
If this was about an Abbo whipping Then My changes to mother wont work—
( how can you go wrong with bowels, it is after all better than --dropping guts)
Full twenty strokes ago the thief had ceased
to struggle, scream or pray in Mary’s name.
now swung he loose within his wooden frame
or
now swung he loose-un-legg'd his weal’s proclaim
(but this will mean the bowels line be rewritten completely)
befouled and stinking WITH his bowels released.
Then through the blood and ruptured flesh was seen
the blue-white spine and ribs whipped clear and clean.
The warder raised his hand up high and said,
You can see what I think need doing here in the last three lines.
”Enough! This man is very nearly dead--
Go strip his breeks, and lay him arse-cheek bare -
and none gainsay this whipping far from fair”
well them’s my thoughts fair or foul.. I will be keeping an eye on this one..
good work.
Ps
I am far from knowledgeable I have no need to be-- but I do know what is good and what stinks.
ps.. Peter-- did you know about the
ASTHMA NSW POET OF THE YEAR 2002
Well If you keep this in the right voice, I recon she’ll be a goer in 2003. this years bloke walked it with 5 grand.
[This message has been edited by Joan/hennie (edited May 08, 2002).]
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