Quote:
Originally posted by David Rosenthal:
I am happy to read that, and grateful for your thoughtful comments on Higginson. I know it must be hard to put it in a few words, and it is generous of you to share your personal reflections.
O.K., let me try this one again with a new middle line:
Chilly morning wind
long after morning has passed --
the fog didn't lift.
Here are two new ones fresh from the redwoods:
Knowing they're still green,
even when I can't see them --
the redwoods at night.
Stepping just beyond
the shadow of the redwoods,
I notice the sun.
A few less fresh ones that I wonder about:
The bear and her cub
turn their noses to the air --
my blueberry scone.
The calving glacier
echoes like cannon fire;
seal pups keep sleeping.
After crashing here,
a wave from a foreign shore
slips back out to sea.
Millions of decades
of summers in the making --
this sand in my toes.
And three that might be senyru(?):
Surrounded by trees,
a vacationing artist
sketches a cabin.
Flushing the toilet,
I drown out the trumpeter --
morning reveille.
The professor's voice,
after jarring me awake,
lulls me back to sleep.
Thanks again,
David R.
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Good to have you back, David! My, you have been busy! Some thoughts below . . .
Chilly morning wind
long after morning has passed --
the fog didn't lift.
i am afraid i don't recall the original version, but i will have a go at it. i like the image of the first two lines very well. in the first line, though, i would prefer 'chill morning wind' to 'chilly morning wind'. if you read the line out loud, i think you will see why. and i wonder why you need 'has' in the second line . . . oh yeah, need those syllables, don't you! (sorry, i couldn't resist!) the third line, though, i am not completely happy with. as a statement and a complete sentence, can you see how it is static and brings us to a halt? perhaps you would consider something that will let our thoughts linger but not bring us to a halt?
Knowing they're still green,
even when I can't see them --
the redwoods at night.
i like this. here are a few responses to consider. if i am getting this right, i wonder why you have a dash at the end of the second line rather than a colon? and i feel that 'the' at the beginning of the third line weakens it. please always look at your haiku as poems rather than collections of syllables. and i wish you would lose that damned period at the end!
Stepping just beyond
the shadow of the redwoods,
I notice the sun.
i like this except, again, the third line as complete sentence statement. might you find a way to express your feeling without "notice'? it is such a throw-away word--of course you notice everything in the poem otherwise you wouldn't have mentioned it!
The bear and her cub
turn their noses to the air --
my blueberry scone.
The calving glacier
echoes like cannon fire;
seal pups keep sleeping.
another sentence/statement third line.
After crashing here,
a wave from a foreign shore
slips back out to sea.
interesting
Millions of decades
of summers in the making --
this sand in my toes.
(David:And three that might be senyru(?)
Surrounded by trees,
a vacationing artist
sketches a cabin.
i think this one is ok, but the first line seems a little weak
Flushing the toilet,
I drown out the trumpeter --
morning reveille.
i am always a little leery of poems that "save up" the context for the third line to effect surprise. you might want to consider changing the line order here.
The professor's voice,
after jarring me awake,
lulls me back to sleep.
Senryu, indeed. been on both ends of this, as most of us have!
And since you have a toilet senryu, i can't resist sharing one i wrote recently
second flush--
the little morning turd
cheerfully pops back up
now i challenge anyone to make this BETTER by making it 17 syllables! we will let Steve C. be the judge and the prize will be a book of mine, if you can consider that a prize!
Lee
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