[John Whitworth]

Competition: Hard sell
LUCY VICKERYSATURDAY, 17TH MARCH 2012
In Competition No. 2738 you were invited to concoct a government ad that bravely attempts to attract applicants to an especially unappealing job of your invention. Some time ago a reader brought to my attention an ad for the position of ‘Band 3 Process Developers in the VOA2015 Process Team’. Such was its mind-boggling impenetrability (‘The VOA2015 Programme is redesigning the Agency’s processes to create a simplified process model that will better support the new structure of the Agency as it moves into Business Streams...’) that it brought me to wondering who would conceivably apply for such a job and whether the ad could perhaps have been written in a more beguiling way — which is where you come in. Derek Morgan gets the extra fiver. The others net £30 each.

Perception Change Management (Bankers’ Bonuses): ref. PCM/BB
Her Majesty’s Government seeks an experienced image consultant to rehabilitate bank bonuses, initially in those organisations part-owned by the State. Olympic Year presents an opportunity to generate a national pride in our senior banking remuneration levels being truly world-class. A sea-change in public perception of motivational payments is required, and our drive to revitalise Latin in our schools is already laying the foundations for making ‘bonus’ synonymous with ‘good’. The successful candidate will be an imaginative individual with a track record in the creative industries and a proven ability to think out of the box. Salary will be competitive and will include a significant end-of-project performance-related payment, if, during the office-holder’s tenure, media (especially tabloid) coverage of ‘incentivising increments’ has become overwhelmingly positive. The salary payment method is negotiable in order to minimise UK tax liability.
Derek Morgan

HMRC Seeks PNO for PNO Initiative
Applicants are sought for the post of Public Necessities Officer in the PNO (Pecunia non olet) Initiative, based on the white paper indicating that public conveniences constitute a valuable source of hitherto untapped tax revenue. This exciting new role will place the holder in charge of collecting this point-of-usage tax, of the financing of new establishments on a P-P basis, and of the development of methods to prevent evasion of payment and commensurate rise in cases of public nuisance. The successful candidate will also be required to present the new initiative to the public. The remuneration package is flexible; the post is designed to be self-financing in the medium term, a percentage of the tax providing the salary, with bonuses available in various forms. This is an equal opportunities post, open to suitably qualified persons of any gender, sexuality or specialisation.
Brian Murdoch

Following the establishment of the Dog Discharge Disposal Initiative (DDDI) Ofdog seeks to appoint a Chair and two committee members for the Street Safety and Hygiene Commission (SSHC) with responsibility for focused delivery of the Dogs (Fouling of Land Act) 1996, especially with regard to the ecologically-aware handling of the issue of canine emission solids. Applicants should hold appropriate professional qualifications; the Chair requires experience of managing both medium-sized and large projects and the ability to digest, analyse and process large-scale input, translating strategic objectives into operational efficiency. The DDDI anticipates a fundamental overhaul of existing arrangements; a willingness to engage in hands-on monitoring of resources going forward top-to-bottom on a North-South basis is essential. The Chair of SSHC will act as the pro-active lead with respect to dynamically fertilising current policies dedicated to effective canine unit-output disposal to achieve enhanced holistic excellence. Ofdog promotes an equal opportunities policy.
Carolyn Thomas-Coxhead

INCULPATION REDIRECTION EXECUTIVE
Fallibility of Bureaucracy Office, West Midlands
This is a unique and excellent opportunity for an epidermally robust candidate with high self-esteem, flexible verbal skills and dissimulative creativity. You will be empowered to divert and accept blame for any situation that might be interpreted (however counter-factually) as the delivery of a sub-optimal outcome by any Government department or agency when compared with the relevant benchmarking. The position offers a competitive compensation package, access to a Civil Service Pension on advantageous terms and free psychiatric rehabilitation. Relocation to Coventry will be financially supported. Candidates will be required to take an aptitude test in vituperation-hardiness. (Former traffic wardens and football referees are exempt.) Please submit a paper of between 1,500 to 2,000 words, explaining why you were personally to blame for the international banking crisis, to: ‘Scapegoat’, Dept. 101, FoBOff, Dead Sea House, Whitehall.
Frank Upton

The revelation by successive EU surveys that homosexual and transgender livestock are scandalously under-represented in British agriculture facilitates the urgent need for a visionary Diversity Champion at the Ministry of Agriculture to break the last barriers to true equality in Britain today. Working on the frontline of agricultural gender politics, your job will be not merely to identify and empower gay and transgender livestock through empathic one-to-one casework, media engagement and inspirational support group leadership, but to challenge those endemic institutional prejudices that have seen the ingrained exclusion of these vibrant elements of non-human citizenry. Addressing the full spectrum of species, gay sheep to asexual ostriches, you’ll be a game-changing evangelist for service-users literally unable to speak for themselves. And, should you succeed in raising identification and participation levels, your remit can widen, allowing you to pioneer homosexual, transgender and asexual representation yet further afield: the arable sector.
Adrian Fry