[Chris O'Carroll]

No 4248
Set by Livia Y Farsley
In view of Nick Clegg’s “semi-apology” in September for breaking his tuition fees pledge, we asked for a half-hearted apology from a historical or literary figure explaining a regrettable action.

This week’s winners
First, many apologies to Helen Cox and Harvey Cole. The comp complex has received a letter from Mr Cole pointing out that he did not set comp No 4249. We have checked and it was indeed someone else: Helen Cox. The mistake occurred partly because both parties eschew emails and send in proper letters in envelopes and partly because their names begin
with the same letters and their signatures look a lot alike, which, in the rush of editing, produced the confusion. Again, apologies. Well done, Ms Cox: a good suggestion!
This week, there were some superb entries. Hon menshes go to: Katie Mallett (Lord Raglan), Sylvia Fairley (Macbeth) and Sid Field (Herod). Each of the four winners get £25, with the Tesco vouchers going, in addition, to Ian Birchall.

Vlad the Impaler
I regret the unfortunate outcome of my attempt at the reforestation of Wallachia, so senselessly attacked by the Ottomans. Trees are symbols of life and regeneration and afford the prospect of healing to the wounded, friend or foe, by mere inspiration. We had carefully inserted wooden poles on the side of the prevailing wind (as horticulture demands) and prepared a 20-square-mile plantation; it was regrettable that marauding Turks chose this very territory for incursion. I ordered each of the defeated and wounded fellows to be placed by the trees. Noticing that some rows were out of alignment, I mentioned to my vizier: “There must be some mis-stakes.” He took this as an instruction to shift 20,000 sharpened poles a foot to the right, thereby impaling the same number of fallen soldiers, generally fatally. A pity. I beg forgiveness. Although the practice has since become fashionable, it wasn’t my intention.
Bill Greenwell

Joseph Stalin
Did I personally kill Trotsky? No, I did not. I wasn’t even in Mexico at the time. I was at work in the Kremlin, trying to figure out what Hitler would do next, now that he’s triumphed in the west. That’s no easy task. Naturally, I was under a great deal of stress. It’s a big job running the Soviet Union; not everyone realises that. So, maybe – I am only human – when I was working a 24-hour day, trying to keep on top of everything, I might have had what the British ambassador wittily called “a Thomas Becket moment”. Is that an assassination order? No, it’s not. It was just an offhand, spur-of-the-moment remark. I am very sorry indeed that apparently some of Trotsky’s followers found it offensive. I can assure them there was no intention to offend.
Basil Ransome-Davies

The sparrow
I killed Cock Robin. Sorry. I’m sorry the fly had to see me do it, though it was a nifty bit of archery for a sparrow, you must admit. I felt for that fish – really, I did – but I maintain his amateur forensics (that bloody dish, for instance) wasn’t necessary, given I’d coughed up to the crime already. I didn’t attend the funeral, out of respect. I heard the dove was chief mourner, the bull tolled the bell and the thrush sang a psalm – basically, a lot of locals went to a lot of trouble putting on a show like that and I’m sorry they had to. They weren’t to know that Cock Robin and I had a history. I’m sorriest nobody ever asked me why I did it. “Never explain, always apologise” is their motto. But once you’ve heard the rhyme, who wants to hear the reason?
Adrian Fry

Emperor Nero
There has been widespread criticism of my policy of feeding Christians to the lions. I recognise that this practice has been the cause of considerable distress to those affected – and to their friends and families, in the cases where we did not catch them. We have now conducted an extensive review of the policy and have concluded that, looking back from a historical perspective, our targeting of Christians was based on inadequate evidence. Results from focus groups reveal a marked tendency towards monotheism among the population, coupled with a growing scepticism towards the traditional Roman deities – especially in view of this summer’s bad weather. We therefore intend to develop a policy of positive engagement with the Christians. None of this, however, should detract from the achievements of the present regime, in particular our radical measures to clear the slums and the provision of high-quality musical entertainment.
Ian Birchall

Wins this week for Bill Greenwell, Basil Ransome-Davies, and Adrian Fry. And an answer to Ann Drysdale's question about the identity of the person credited with setting the "naked rambler" comp.