[Peter Goulding]

Originally Posted by Brian Allgar

Oh God! I’ve started peeing red!
I’m quivering with fear and dread.
In next to no time, I’ll be dead
xxxFrom cancer of the bladder.
Or even worse, the thing will spread
Like bindweed in my flower-bed
To kidneys, liver, lungs and head,
xxxA fate that’s even sadder.

I’m in a clinic by the Thames.
Is it a verdict that condemns,
Or is there hope with beastly chems?
xxxIf there’s a chance, I’ll try it.
But then, with sniggers and “ahem”s,
They come to tell me: “Well, it stems
From cherry-coloured M & M’s
xxxAnd beetroot in your diet.”

Nice one, Brian. I often wonder why I no longer pee red after eating beetroot. As a child, it would border on the vermilion but adulthood seems to have deprived me of the knack.

The pain! The pain! The searing pain!
I doubt I’ll ever walk again!
I think he’s bust, or snapped, or bent
my bleedin’ cruciate ligament.
So bad I can’t stop rolling round
each blade of grass upon this ground
while drenching all with blood-flecked phlegm.
The TV replays will condemn
that studs-up, lunging tackle which
has left me writhing on the pitch.
Surely there’s no other path
for him, save to an early bath?
Oh ref, the pain! The raging pain!
I’ll never play full-back again!
You've sent him off? The crowd is pleased?
Ah wait, I think the pain has eased...