[Rob Stuart]

A grandson clock, a football bat,
A doll with pubic hair.
These things are all retailing at
The Shop That Isn’t There.

It sells a brand of cottage cheese
That men go mental for
As well as gangsta rap CDs
Your granny would adore.

It also stocks unusual books
On trolleys at the back.
Were you aware that Bruno Brookes
Translated Pasternak?

(Don’t bother writing up a list
For this imagined store-
It doesn’t actually exist,
So caveat emptor.)