[Rob Stuart]

My silhouetted form, obese and bald,
Augmented by a fruity English slur
Secured me worldwide fame. I have been called
The cinema’s pre-eminent auteur,
Epitomising what François Truffaut
Respected most; an individual voice,
Original and bold. I ran the show:
Found scripts to film, approved each casting choice,
Saw to it every picture’s mise-en-scène
Upheld the mood I wanted. I was fond,
So very fond, of having guiltless men
Plus pretty women (preferably blonde)
Entangled in intrigues. I played on doubt,
Not payoffs, as I regularly stressed.
Surprise is not what drama is about.
Explosions blow it; ticking bombs are best...