I find this poem very beautiful and compelling. The contrast between the images of the fragile, delicate butterflies and the fierce, predatory eagles is powerful and moving. This is one of those deceptively simple pieces where the translator often feels tempted to eschoue a strictly "literal" translation. But in this case, I think the translation would benefit greatly by adhering more closely to both the sound and meaning of the original.
L1-2 Firstly, I think the translator should keep the long, flowing, regular lines of the original. Take the first line of the translation – "My skin teems with butterflies." The shortened line loses the flowing gracefulness of the original, whose sound is inextricably connected with the movement of the butterflies, as well as the alliteration of the "f" sounds, which also serves to suggest that fluttering movement. And the cool thing is, you can do the same thing in English! So why not take the freebie, if you can get it?
And I think "teems” is absolutely the wrong word here as it has a rather negative connotation -- you think of "a teeming tenement” or "teeming with roaches" (yuck!)
– Certainly not butterflies.
So, how about something like
"My skin is full of butterflies, with fluttering wings –
they flutter out across the meadows and feast on honey..
(I prefer honey, as in the original, to nectar, which sounds self-consciously poetic to me.)
L3 – I don't like "dismal" – it's a rather heavy word for butterflies, who, even in death, are light and delicate.
L5 – I would take out "itself" which is not necessary and makes the line drag on too long.
L6 – I would take out "bone's" – you don't need it.
L7 - "sea eagles" sounds a little strange to my ear. How about "sea hawks"?
L8 - "ponderous" – too ponderous! I'd stay with "heavily.
L9-10 - why not keep these lines as questions?
L10- "gold-gleaming" - a little too Beowulf? Yellow eyes are much more effective.
L11 – "The cave is sealed" is too melodramatic. I think "The cave is closed" sounds more natural, and also has a nice alliteration.
L12-13 For me L11 is the climax of the poem, which is emphasized by its shortness. But the translator has also shortened L12, which diminishes the impact of the abruptness of the cry in L11. L12 is especially problematic. "Cellar sprouts" just doesn't function as a compound in English, so I think you have to take the long cut and say "sprouts in a cellar”. And, again, the last line needs to be short, to maintain the powerful cadence at the end of the poem.
Overall, I see this translation as a good draft, which can be tightened up to more closely captured the sound and meaning of the original. And that's half the battle!
Threaded Mode
