[Julie Steiner]

2015 ERATOSPHERE TRANSLATION BAKE-OFF
MAIN EVENT ENTRY K

Title:

"Belle de Nuit" (left untranslated by the competitor; literally, it means "Beautiful woman of night").

Lyricist and Composer:

French lyrics by Pascal Aligon (contemporary), and music by the entry's translator (contemporary).

Translator's Note:

Pascal Aligon is a friend of mine, and asked me if I would be interested in setting his poem to music, which I did. It was written in the aftermath of the suicide of a dear friend of his called Betty, and her name is used as an acrostic in the repeated chorus. I was not able to reproduce this feature, just as I was not able to keep the rhyme scheme, except for the chorus and the last stanza.

I’ve tried to keep the translation as close as possible to the original, but there are a couple of lines where I couldn’t do so, and those lines are more of a loose re-interpretation than a strict translation of the original.

Finally, the sung translation matches the original music syllable for syllable, except in two places where a single note had to become two shorter notes, although it doesn’t affect the melody.

Sung Versions:

1.) French lyrics, performed by an unidentified but very lovely singer--perhaps she'll be identified when the Bake-off is over.
2.) The contestant's English translation, performed a cappella by the Top Secret Yodeler.


The Competitor's Translation:

You know, they no longer talk of you,
And all too soon, your friends forget.
But deep inside, I love you still,
In a heart calcified to stone,
Wishing so much that you were here

Fair as the day,
Imprisoned in the night,
Love seems to stay,
Your smiling face is bright -
Can this be reality?

It’s been already nearly six months
Since you went away, who knows where?
The days that pass seem very long ...
Life will never be quite the same,
Knowing you won’t be returning.

Fair as the day,
Imprisoned in the night,
Love seems to stay,
Your smiling face is bright -
Can this be reality?

Now, at last, I no longer blame you,
Leaving us all without a word,
Not having known, not having found
Some better way to shape your life.

No answers come to my questions,
Though I have tried to understand,
Reached the end of all conjectures,
And wasted many, many tears.
But tell me why? Just tell me, why?

Fair as the day,
Imprisoned in the night,
Love seems to stay,
Your smiling face is bright -
Can this be reality?

And like a wild beast at bay,
You gave a final hopeless cry
In this dark place, this alleyway,
Where you chose to come – and to die.

But you will always live in me.


The Original French Lyrics:

Tu sait on ne parle plus de toi
Les gens oublient un peu trop vite
Je t'aime toujours au fond de moi
Dans mon coeur dur comme le granit
J'aimerais tant que tu sois là

Belle comme le jour
Enfouie dans la nuit
Tu es amour
Ton visage me sourit
Y a-t-il là, réalité ?

Ça fait déjà presque six mois
Que tu es partie pour là-bas
Le temps qui passe me parait long
Ça a changé mon horizon
Savoir que tu ne reviendras

Belle comme le jour
Enfouie dans la nuit
Tu es amour
Ton visage me sourit
Y a-t-il là, réalité?

Aujourd'hui je ne t'en veux plus
D'être partie sans prévenir
D'avoir pas su d'avoir pas pu
Gérer au mieux ton avenir

Pas de réponses a mes questions
J'ai réfléchi pendant des heures
Utilisé toutes mes notions
Essuyé tant et tant de pleurs
Mais pourquoi donc,mais pourquoi donc?

Belle comme le jour
Enfouie dans la nuit
Tu es amour
Ton visage me sourit
Y a-t-il là, réalité?

Et comme une bête aux abois
Tu as préféré en finir
Dans cette ruelle, dans cet endroit
Où tu es venue pour mourir

Tu resteras toujours en moi


The Competitor's Literal English Prose Crib

You know, they no longer talk of you;
People forget a little too soon.
I love you still, deep within me,
In my heart as hard as granite.
I wish so much that you were here

Beautiful as the day,
Buried in the night,
You are love,
Your face smiles on me -
Is this reality?

It’s been already nearly six months
Since you went away down there;
The time that passes seems long to me ...
It has changed my horizon [perspective?]
To know that you won’t return.

Beautiful as the day,
Buried in the night,
You are love,
Your face smiles on me -
Is this reality?

Today, I no longer blame you
For having left without warning,
For not having known, not having been able
To manage better your future.

No answers to my questions;
I’ve thought about it for hours,
Used up all my notions,
Wiped away many, many tears,
But why then, but why then?

Beautiful as the day,
Buried in the night,
You are love,
Your face smiles on me -
Is this reality?

And like an animal at bay,
You preferred to to end it
In this alleyway, in this place
Where you came to die.

But you will always be there within me.


Commentary by Top Secret Yodeler:

Because I kept muffing the second key change without an instrumental point of reference, I ended up listening to the original performance in my headphones, while singing from the sheet music provided by the contestant. I can thus confirm that the note divisions of the translation are, indeed, almost 100% identical to that of the original.

A little less determination to cleave to the original timing would have given the translator more naturalness in the phrasing. For example, "Now at last, I no longer blame you, / Leaving us all without a word, / Not having known [...]" might easily have become "Now at last, I no longer blame you / For leaving us all without a word, / For not having known [...]". Pick-up notes placed at the ends of the previous measures could accommodate the two "For"s without bumping "leaving" and "not" from the emphatic downbeat.

I've gotta say, the singer of the original has an enviably gorgeous voice.

Commentary by Top Secret Distinguished Guest:

Wow, this competitor actually wrote the music for the French original, in addition to translating it. Clearly the intention was to make the rest of the competitors look like underachievers. Seriously, though, that's an impressive feat.

At times I, like the Yodeler, suspect that the natural phrasing of the crib, included with minor alterations to the musical timing, would have been more emotionally resonant than abrupt-sounding phrases shoehorned into the existing note values. I have no doubt that the composer has the talent to make these melodic adjustments, but the language of the competition guidelines ("must be singable to the original tune") may have given the impression that doing so would be penalized too severely to make it worth the risk. That's unfortunate.

Since the original refrain contains an acrostic that spells out the addressee's name, I wonder if the title is also an acrostic of the addressee's initials, which might be one explanation for leaving it untranslated.

Even in the original language, the acrostic in the refrain--a significant feature of the poem, but a purely visual element--remains invisible in performance. However, in the French version of the song, I feel that the rhyme compensates for the loss of that dimension of the poem. Since the English version loses so much of the rhyme, most of the verses have only the melody itself to provide structure for these sentiments and clarify these phrases' interrelationships. In contrast, the line ends of the refrain do chime with each other, giving more of a sense that these particular words are exactly the right ones for the occasion.

The refrain's unrhymed final line, "Can this be reality?", would have more impact if it were expressed more simply and directly: "Is this really happening?"

Interestingly, the final verse does use rhymes, but I did not even notice the "bay" and "alleyway" rhymes in performance -- only on the page. This suggests to me that, in the earlier verses, focusing energy only on selected rhymes that really count, plus the freedom to rearrange the timing a bit, might make the inclusion of rhyme a less daunting proposition.

Going back to Verse 1, "In a heart calcified to stone", I would prefer the original granite imagery, which is more clearly metaphorical. The scientific term "calcified" in conjunction with "heart" had me thinking of medical calamities involving plaque accumulation and hardened blood vessels, such as coronary artery disease, rather than emotional states.

In Verse 2, "Since you went away / who knows where?" doesn't seem quite right, either, because it's not yet clear that this question is purely metaphysical. For all the reader knows at this point in the song, the person whom the narrator is addressing has simply disappeared, not died.

In the final verse, although the phrase perfectly parallels the French, "In this dark place, this alleyway, / Where you chose to come" places "come" in such an oddly emphatic position for so long that it may place unwanted images in the listener's mind until "and to die" finishes the thought.

I share the Yodeler's opinion that the original performance sounds gorgeous, and will add that the instrumentation is very lovely, too.