[Matt Q]

Since the rubric seems to be shifting a little, here's an old and, so it turned out, unprophetic, one of mine. It doesn't fit the original brief, but there's definitely homonyms involved.



A million, billion trumpets

At first he had only heard the sound of a single trumpet
that blew as he entered a room. Not some plastic trumpet
playing cheap, wobbly notes, and certainly not a trumpet
in the scatological sense, no, the very best kind of trumpet,
the kind that presaged the presence of a king, or a trumpet
made of gold and blown in fanfare by an angel trumpeting

the arrival of the Lord. But when he’d looked for a trumpet,
he couldn’t find one; the room was empty, with no trumpet-
blower in sight. Could it be that he was hearing trumpets
as others heard voices? Might this be the first wild trumpet-
call of madness? And yet, even if it were, the trumpeting
had felt good, and it had seemed so fitting to be trumpeted

into a room. So he was pleased when later the trumpeting
recurred. He quickly grew accustomed to being trumpeted,
and soon it was as if he had always heard the blast of a trumpet
heralding his entries and exits, and before long the solo trumpet
became two, then three, then a whole platoon of trumpets
proclaimed his every action. Now there were trumpets

to herald his first movements of morning, there were trumpets
to undress to in the evening, and even when he trumpeted
in the scatological sense, there was a crescendo of trumpets
to celebrate his achievement. He learned from the trumpets
that everything he did was laudable, praiseworthy, trumpetable,
something he had long suspected even before the trumpets

had arrived to confirm it. Such was the volume of the trumpets
that sometimes when others spoke all he heard was trumpets,
and even his own thoughts were replaced by the sound of trumpets;
yet he saw no real disadvantage in this – often the trumpets
made more sense to him, and besides when the trumpets
erupted within he felt invincible: as long he had those trumpets

blowing, whatever the adversity, he felt sure he could trump it.
Elevation to high office only strengthened this feeling, and trumpets
began to blow continuously in an unending fanfare of trumpetry:
every breath, every word, every thought, triumphantly trumpeted.
Now he knew there was no challenge, no enemy he couldn’t trump. It
occurred to him he was the best leader ever. Yes! sang the trumpets.

It looked a bit like a trumpet. A big red button-shaped trumpet.
Shall we, my trumpets? he asked. You the man! blasted the trumpets.
He pushed the big red trumpet to an orgasmic explosion of trumpets.