Hi Richard,
I prefer the version with lots of line breaks, so I comment on that if you don't mind. I hope you find something of use in the feedback.
All the best,
Trevor
In the park, a pond [yes, the title is improved by the addition of the comma. I always notice the interesting syntax in a title]
Behind a chain-link fence and gate
we never once saw open
a songless autumn of grey leaf-light
and old water [I think you need a verb here. To me, it would be better and could also potentially avoid confusion based on grammar]. Even in summer. [bold = delete]
Even in that summer when [put "when" at the beginning of the next line instead?]
whole fields died for want
and the earth cracked like a scab. [Lovely image]
Even then it was autumn[comma] damp
and deep enough to drown a child.
[Overall, it feels a bit underdeveloped, so I wonder if there's anything you could add after the current ending]
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