[Lee Gurga]

Originally posted by Chiago Mapocho:
My last batch, this. I hope you don't mind me bringing it so close to the last one. I really appreciate your expertise and thoughful points. Your energy is admirable!

No problem . . . let me take a look


harmattan haze
arranging flowers
on the windowsill

looks promising, but I am afraid "harmattan" eludes me.

fishingboats
navigate by icebergs
find whale and song

getting clearer!

weird yesterday
a toad backpacking sun
jump through my swing gate.

promising, but the first line is interpreting the experience for the reader. please trust the reader.

one winter
I have a cup of tea
with a tiger and an owl.

haiku usually present a single moment of time. Why "one winter." why not this winter? why not today?

seahorses
lost in midwinter shrubs.

interestingly surrealist

puddles in schoolyards
oil on blacktop
washing a blood moon

the images are much clearer here. please beware leaving out articles artifically.

bees and sunlight
travel on a wheelbarrow
air-travel is out

ok until we get to the third line, then just a (static) interpretive statement rather than a second image. Here is a haiku by Robert Gilliland on the same subject that actually travels:

transplanting the sage
a wheelbarrow full of bees
from backyard to front

please notice how the inclusion of the particular in the first line gives the poem a greater immediacy as well as an interesting fragrance

(or: a wheelbarrow
with ice
remembers spring,
blackbirds and bees / blackbirds and wings / bees and sunlight / water and bees)


no birds
in a weedksy
harrowic winds plow it for clouds

weedksy?

forgetting me
sunlight embrace
another grave

a little hermetic, but it reminds me of "Long Black Veil", one of my favorite songs.

Hope this helps!

Lee