[Martin Parker]

A first draft from another of the insomniac early-bird flock. It's an ancient joke guarranteed to produce a snigger from all the thousands of school-children who read the Speccie --

I'm stuck here weaving at my loom.
My curse confines me to this room.
And yet I yearn for Lancelot
Who lives downstream in Camelot.

I long to watch him "Tirra-lirra"
In my arms and not a mirror.
Should I go to him or not?
Your advice would help a lot.

Abandon both your web and loom.
No curse should keep you in your room.
So, whether it should strike or not,
Just take the boat to Camelot.

Do not waste another day.
Seize Love's pleasures while you may.
No maiden ever suffered worse
Than stomach pains from any curse.

[basil ransome-davies]

So far it seems to be assumed that a 'well-known literary figure' is a fictional character. To me the phrase suggests a famous author – Milton, Wilde, Tennyson, Beckett, whoever.

[Martin Parker]

On balance I agree with Bazza -- the literary figure should probably be an actual (and easily identifiable) writer rather than a figure from literature. But it seems a close call.

It is clear , though, that my earlier effort must be disqualified since, although the Agony Aunt is Tennyson, the problem in question is clearly one which already belonged to The Lady of Shalott -- and therefore not one of my own invention as the task requires.

Serve me right for having sweated blood without first reading the question carefully! It reminds me of being back at school!

[Jerome Betts]

Hmm, I have a feeling Lucy will not look kindly on verse for this one, but when the intrepid Whitworth leads the way . . .



Dear John Betjeman, I'm single
And the curate here is free
(Hampshire, Wallop-iuxta-Swingle)
But he doesn’t notice me!

Oh so High Church, Romewards-wending,
Are his Sunday sermon flights . . .
Can there be a happy ending?
Yours sincerely, 'Sleepless Nights'.

Dear young lady, is he ‘poping’?
(All the rage, alas, just now.)
If so, things you may be hoping
Simply spell ‘unholy row’.

Read some Pyms, not trendy Trollopes,
Then prepare to cut and run
From the curate, church, and Wallops!
Ever yours, John Betjeman.

[Roger Slater]

"Dear Uncle Oscar, please advise.
I'm hankering to marry,
But should I marry Harriet
or should I marry Harry?"

"When out in High Society,
it's fine to be a phony,
but it's another matter when
the question's matrimony.

"Being earnest is what holds,
for me, the most importance,
so are you more the Horton type
or are you more the Hortense?

"But most of all I need to ask
why you must marry any?
Monogamy and bigamy
both mean one spouse to many."

[John Whitworth]

Jerome, they make a nice pair. Bookends you might say. But it has always struck me that Larkin could have been quite a good agony aunt. Nobody in his right mind would take Betjeman's advice on ANYTHING.

[Jerome Betts]

Thanks, John. I think you've invented a genre. Had a scary moment when I noticed that Lucy stipulates 150 words maximum. This does suggest prose entries are envisaged, but on the other hand I was surprised to find in my case that 16 lines makes only 90 words. (And yours 91 - is there some mathematical law at work?). So, well within the rubric at least. Fun to try, anyway.

[Max Goodman]

I must be too tired to read these correctly (or to understand the rules?). Several of the best--and they're very good--seem not to fulfill the contest requirement of Well-known Literary Figures offering advice.

In some, WLFs request advice (in one case apparently answering himself, confusingly employing a phrase associated with another unnamed WLF), or remain silent in response.