[John Whitworth]

Bazza gets the fiver, Frank takes a prize and Chris O'Carroll, George Simmers, Bob Schechter and me have to chew on the bones of an Hon Mensh. Plenty of material for Martin Parker who had an HM too!

The new competition is a variation on the old publishing one that gave us Eileen Dover, Tudor Titsoff and Mustapha Fagg. Come to that, Mustapha Fagg could surely make a belated return here as a Gay Rights Liaison Officer. I said it FIRST!

No. 2690: Malcolm Tent
You are invited to invent names to fit jobs, for example, Lois Carmen Denominator, maths teacher, or Malcolm Tent, drama critic. Up to ten entries each. Please email entries, where possible, to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 23 March.

[John Whitworth]

I make no claim to originality. There are lots of ideas on the internet. Just google Eileen Dover.

Jesus Wotan R. Sole: Parking Meter Attendant
Mustapha Fagg: Gay Rights Officer
Ivor Seamus Hugh Squire: Publican

[Ann Drysdale]

You mean, like Detective Constable R. Slicker of 999 Lettsby Avenue?

[John Whitworth]

That's IT Ann!

[Roger Slater]

If stealing ones you find on the internet is acceptable, the best collection I know of comes at the end of the radio show, "Car Talk," which I suppose is not known in the UK. They do their "credits," and some of them are quite funny. They also post a definitive list of them here:

http://jfi.uchicago.edu/~tten/Funny%...20Credits.html

[Ann Drysdale]

Well, that puts you in with a real chance, RS - Lucy won't know about Car Talk but she probably fell out of her pram groaning at Ivor Windybottom and R U C Reous. This is one for the Merkins.

[Esther Murer]

Well, I really did know a woodwind teacher named Wilder Schmaltz.

Esther

[Susan McLean]

I knew the son of a German teacher who had his students call him Herr Lipp.

Susan

[John Whitworth]

I think what you have to do is make the names long and tortuous.
What about:

V.F.M.N.X. Forte the Caterer
C.D.G.G. Runne the trainer
C.D.N. Boosey the journalist

I could go on like this all day

As for cars

Morris Oxford
Austen Cambridge
Umber Auk
Austen Healey (he actually exists and played for England at Rugby)

I'm not sure they are relevant and anyhow all out of date. It's a long time since I took an interest in cars

Helena Handcart: President of the Humanist Association
Vic R.F. Godde: the Pope

[Roger Slater]

Although I think one could probably get away with stealing what one finds online, I gave it a try to come up with ten on my own. I didn't Google them, so for all I know some of these have been done before:


Pierce Stiers -- women's jewelry salesman
Selma Boddie -- prostitute
Sandy Butz -- beach bum
Ron N. Hyde -- army deserter
Imus Florit -- race car driver
Adam Upp -- census taker
Lance Boyle -- dermatologist
Diane Moulder -- mortician
Joe King -- comedian
Jerry Rigg -- handyman

*

Tucker Cheeks -- plastic surgeon
Hugh Better -- extortionist
Hugh Betcha -- former governor of Alaska
Howard Hugh Vote -- pollster
Justin Sane - - serial killer
Jean Patcher -- tailor