[Jayne Osborn]

Here's the first of two completely different attempts:

Price On Application.
We are pleased to offer this unique property with a long lease. Early viewing is highly recommended.

Constructed aeons ago, it comprises two hemispheres, with large gardens and many interesting water features. Other benefits include geothermal and solar heating, gravity and a remote location; neighbouring properties are at a substantial distance – all unoccupied – a very attractive prospect!

Large areas have undergone extensive renovation, whilst others remain in their original, unadulterated state. There is a variety of sitting tenants, some of whom are alleged to have caused damage to a layer of the space above the dwelling, but, to date, these rumours are unsubstantiated.

The upper and lower extremities are unheated, though the middle section boasts an almost constant high temperature. Outstanding beauty can be seen throughout.
Unlike other properties, a delightful atmosphere prevails, and the opportunity currently exists for domination of this des. res.

[Martin Elster]

Hi Jayne,

Thanks for your feedback. I tweaked the first stanza and line 16 is now 'There’d be no finch or wren', which I think rhymes better with 'oxygen'.

Your prose piece is really good, especially the last phrase ('the opportunity currently exists for domination of this des. res'). If aliens were to ever land here, I have no doubt they'd take over this planet and we humans would become tasty food.

[Jayne Osborn]

Thanks, Martin. Here's another attempt (and I like your revisions btw):


A whole world of opportunity has opened up, for the purchase of a run-down, totally dilapidated property sorely in need of complete restoration: ‘Planet Earth’.

Sadly, many of the original features have been removed. The dwelling has also had a number of sitting tenants over the course of several millennia who have perpetrated acts of both deliberate destruction and accidental damage, though we fully expect that the current occupants will very soon be the agents of their own annihilation. It should be noted that the removal of this encumbrance will, in itself, automatically cause a cessation of many of the problems; minimal investment, along with sympathetic renovation, is all that will therefore be required to return Planet Earth to its ‘Desirable Residence’ status of former times.

The market rarely sees such outstanding scope for an impressive transformation. We expect a great deal of interest; book your viewing now.

[Roger Slater]

This charming starter planet in an exclusive galaxy awaits the species lucky enough to snap it up and inhabit its cozy land masses, all with ocean views. Planet boasts two arctic zones, one equatorial region, and generously proportioned temperate zones. Burning core is in excellent repair. Still has its original atmosphere, but can be upgraded as desired. Has not missed a single rotation since it was built. Room for several million pools. Principles only. Interested parties should contact the owner, the People's Republic of China, to arrange a viewing.

[Martin Elster]

Roger,

I like yours. (I didn't see it till now, since we cross-posted.) Shouldn't "principles only" be "principals only"?

[Martin Elster]

Jayne,

I love the way you get just the right tone of voice and the jargon of a real estate agency.

I like the subtly ominous ending of the first piece, but the second is also good in terms of depicting 'Planet Earth' as damaged property and the eco-poetry feel to it.

The first is a bit more scientific and speculative (I like that aspect), while the second is more literal, unvarnished fact, with authentic agent-speak.

I think the way you handle the controlling metaphor of Earth as real property is quite clever.

[Jayne Osborn]

Thanks, Martin. I went for a job as an estate agent many moons ago, but I was required to work every weekend and have Wednesdays off, so I said 'No thanks.' Meanwhile, I've had a 3rd attempt with another different take on it.

For Sale:

Make: Planet
Model: Earth
One owner
Condition: Used
Age: 4.54 billion years
Taxed: Heavily
Insurance group: 50 (Highest)
MOT: Expired

History:
This make is very common, though only the one model of ‘Earth’ was created, hence its value to an enthusiast is infinite.
The owner always planned to keep it forever but He has now tired of it.
Several attempts have been made to procure ownership in the past, by megalomaniacs in search of world domination, but these have always failed.

Earth is in extremely good condition for its age and is still a good runner. The new owner must be prepared to devote a great deal of time and do a lot of maintenance in order to prevent major problems in the future.

It still has the capacity to give a world of pleasure to the right person. Why not book a test-drive and see for yourself?