[John Whitworth]

We did awfully well here. Brian Allgar, George Simmers and Frank Osen all winners and Adrian Fry just not.

Matchmaking
Lucy Vickery 20 October 2012
In Competition No. 2768 you were invited to supply the profile for an online dating site of a Shakespearean character. Adrian Fry’s Lady Macbeth — ‘I’m a driven, passionate woman with NSOH’ — just missed out, as did Derek Morgan and Carolyn Thomas-Coxhead. The winners take £20 each, Noel Petty pockets the extra fiver.

My name is Sir Andrew Aguecheek, knight of the realm, and I am your fellow for all manner of masks, frolics and follies. Indeed, such droleries are my profession, which my title to three thousand ducats annual enables me to indulge. As to my figure, I am tall, with long flaxen hair, and have been reputed to have the best leg in the county. I believe that encomium refers to both legs, being contiguous, coterminous and complementary. I am presently residing with my patron Sir Toby at the court of his niece the Lady Olivia in Illyria. I am much travelled, and Sir Toby says I speak three or four languages extempore, though being a gentleman I have not myself counted them. My performance on the viol-de-gamboys is not ordinary, and I am the very devil for your galliardos, corantos and allemanios. And did I mention my three thousand ducats?
Noel Petty

Hi — my name’s Shylock. I know it’s cool to have only one name, but I’m not too Shy and I don’t Lock up my emotions! So you can see I’ve got a good sense of humour — tickle me and I’ll laugh! I’m a mature guy, but I keep myself in trim and can honestly say I haven’t got a spare pound of flesh anywhere. I’ve been working in the EU in finance and shipping, but what with the recession and fluctuations in the value of my ducats I had to relocate, but I kept a bit stashed away. I’m a widower and I’ve got no ties — my married daughter Jess still lives overseas and I don’t see her much these days. I like Italian food and retro clothes (I love those old gabardine raincoats!). If you are a professional lady (no lawyers, though! I’ve had bad experiences!), get in touch.
Brian Murdoch

Distinguished gentleman, considered ‘bluff’,
Seeks lady with a view to matrimony.
Financially secure, we have enough
(Our former wives receive no alimony)
To offer thee a life of royal leisure;
Our job’s secure, our right to it divine.
Our appetite’s enormous; it’s our pleasure
To swive, to hunt, but most of all to dine.

We’ve had our fill of unreceptive tarts
In whom our seed is marked ‘Return to sender’.
A lady versed in concupiscent arts
With whom a son and heir we shall engender
Is what we seek, a wife who will obey us
(Abstain, ye barren nags and scrawny scolders),
A buxom wench, yet wise, who’ll not gainsay us,
And one who’ll keep her head upon her shoulders.
Brian Allgar　

The town of Windsor has delights, for sure, yet within it perhaps there languishes some lady of nice upbringing (a widow perchance, or heir to an estate) who tires of the company of mere provincials, of bumpkins that know not the court, nor courtly ways neither. Such a female might look kindly upon a knight distinguished in the late wars, a man of most noble stature and of noteworthy girth, a man whose wisdom is as weighty as his avoirdupois, for he is indeed renowned from Westminster to Eastcheap as a man of substance. Is his hair white? Then it grew white in the service of a royal personage whose upbringing he took in hand. For which he deserves his nation’s thanks, and should any lady wish to repay her part in that debt to him in person, let her call at the Garter and ask there for Sir John.
George Simmers

Are you a male who’s seeking an aggressive, dominant type to furnish your winter’s tail? Do you like to be pursued? I’m a large, furry Bear (6’11”/120 stone) who wants a compliant guy for energetic bouts of offstage wrestling, perhaps dinner, preceded by a brief run. Full disclosure: my last relationship didn’t turn out too well and the ex was really torn-up, but no one can say I didn’t send him out with a dramatic exit. Admittedly, I’m not the most articulate of characters. I’m definitely not one for long, drawn-out scenes, but if you want it rough, from a real Ursus ‘major’ and you think you can handle me, then ditch the babe and give me a call. I guarantee a hot time with the best walk-on in the entire canon. Smooth skin is a definite turn-on for me. Call Grizz — Act III, scene iii, evenings only.
Frank Osen

Dismiss my vice, ’tis virtue that in verse
I tender, offer, proffer — what you will —
In this my profile writ to stir the hearts
Of all who, in their discontent, do seek
A worthy suitor, honest to the core;
For honesty it is that wins me fame
As said the judge who, guided by my word,
Did willingly release me from my chains
And bid me seek a mate to match my worth
Which now I do. Promoted through the ranks
I won the trust of one in higher rank
Whose mistress, I confess, I did desire,
But, having lost her through no fault of mine,
It is to you, whoe’er, I now do look.
‘I am not what I seem’, so once I said,
Yet seemly shall I prove to be abed.
Alan Millard

Call me borderline bipolar and I’ll admit that mood swings are what I’m all about, but I promise you’ll never be bored. Thrilled, surprised, baffled, maybe — if I’m a crazy guy I’m eloquent with it and you’ll be as blown away by my off-the-cuff wordplay and off-the-wall humour (my court jester gave up and died!) as you will be my deep, contemplative monologues. Leisurewise, heavy late-night drinking sessions with the guys don’t light my fire, but I’m a keen fencer and an active enthusiast for the drama, sometimes arranging and supervising home performances by professionals. Maybe I have some family issues, but who doesn’t? Aside from that, I have a title and a castle with extensive sea views and am currently a registered student at Wittenberg University. But these are just words, words, words — why don’t we meet up and check the chemistry?
G.M. Davis