[Brian Allgar]

Nah, you're right, I wouldn' t dare.

I have seen the mermaids shaving, peach to peach.

[RCL]

Hair Hair!

Harvesting hair from my ears patiently,
I glimpse the young man that used to be me.

Tweezing the hair from my imposing nose,
I know where the hair from my head now grows.

Trimming my chin hair, now turned yellow,
I see that I am a ripening fellow.

Clipping my crotch hair, lank and grizzled,
I grasp that libido has finally fizzled!

Ralph

[Douglas G. Brown]

From adolescence
To the grave,
A feller needs his
Burma-Shave.

[Susan d.S.]

John, I think this is wonderful, and it may have effectively killed the continuation of this thread.

[John Whitworth]

Thank you Susan, but it should not. There are more ways of skinning a cat, you know. Not that I would dream of employing even one. I am talking to the cat in the corner. She is unconvinced and pushes her headless mouse in my direction.

And thank you too, Brian. One cannot have too much of praise from distinguished sources. Only a Hobbit would need to shave his ankles. Or perhaps a snake. You're the snake's ankles, as P G Wodehouse might have put it.

[Brian Allgar]

John, just a couple of small points.

I've always understood that Suetonius is pronounced "Sway-toe-nyus", but you seem to be counting either "Su-e" or "ni-us" as two syllables. Maybe it's the correct Latin pronunciation? If not, you could simply make it

Of Roman boys, or else Suetonius lies

And I'm having difficulty construing the two following lines. Is there some punctuation missing (e.g. a comma after "rough"), or am I being dense?

Harsh, hideous hair of devils, rank and rough
Light lamplit hair on girlish arms... enough!

Also, "Light lamplit hair" is on first reading a bit confusing (light/lit). What about "Fine" instead of "Light", or even "Fine downy hair"? But there I go, interfering again. And "lamplit" is very good.

There are so many splendid lines, but two of my favourites are:

The hair that grows on masturbators' palms

and

The pallid, hairy legs of kilted Jocks

Yet I wish I hadn't read it, because you seem to have snaffled the entire stock of historical hair, and now I can't think of anything for myself! "Brightness falls from the hair".

Brian

[Lance Levens]

There was a boy, I knew him well,
Ye daughters of Delilah.
His hair was the thickest in all the dell
And long as the river Nile-a.

His hair grew furtive and fast and free,
Snatched up a tender bride
And bore her away for a century
Where the hirsute gods abide.

There they drank nectar and hoar-frost tea
And she combed his curls in a dream
And no one asked what became of the she
Whose locks were as rich as cream.

[John Whitworth]

Thank you, Brian. If Suetonius is pronounced as you say, then I must make the emendation. It is. You are right. I have the opportunity to introduce the boy Caesar. Do you think that sounds better? Suetonius is obviously hinting that Octavian, like his father, was bisexual. Perhaps ALL Romans were bisexual except the VERY proper ones. Perhaps... No, I'd better not press on. Americans think all Englishmen are gay really. And Frenchmen also, come to that. Is it our accents? It can't be mine. I sound like a cockney taxi driver.

As for the other, there is a comma missing. I must put it back. What IS the Eliot quote? Do I have to look it up? I do.

But in the lamplight downed with light brown hair.

Lord, what a poem. He never did better, did he? He did more, but never better.

And thank you for making my poem better.

[Douglas G. Brown]

It is hunting season now, and I can hear shots ringing out in the surrounding hills (even though this is not grizzly bear country) ...

Upon the grizzly’s heart, you train the crosshairs of your scope.
It’s the last day of the season, and this is your final hope;
The elevation, windage, and the range you quickly figure.
With bated breath, you deftly squeeze your Weatherby’s hair trigger.

Although the blast resembles that of cannon made by Krupp,
The bruin isn’t wounded, but he is a bit haired up,
And ambles to take cover in his stony mountain lair.
You ruefully acknowledge that you missed him by a hair.

That night, your barroom buddies all agree you are the best
At drinking up the fluids that grow hair upon one’s chest.
With dawning of the morning, just beyond that night before
You lie with bearded visage resting on the barroom floor.

There you repose, quite comatose; and as you lie in situ
You sip, to cure your pounding head, hair of the dog that bit you.
The lunchtime crowd steps over you, a listless groaning mass;
And says “That wasted hunter has a hair across his ass”.

Can anyone tell me if "wasted", in the sense of being heavily under the influence of alcohol or drugs, is used in the UK?