[John Whitworth]

Well, of course it is. The trouble is they are all so bloody brilliant I can never get a winner these days. In particular the blessed Algar and his many aliases (mutter, mutter, mutter)

[Brian Allgar]

Originally Posted by Jerome Betts

Yes, nice one, Brian. Love 'Luddite shibboleth'! (Capital L as from name Ludd?)

Slight stumble in Line 4?

Thanks, Douglas and Jerome.

Capital L duly applied, Jerome. The apparent stumble was a question of emphasis, now made explicit:

Admit it, you do!

[Peter Goulding]

Originally Posted by Jayne Osborn

Peter,

There are no hard and fast rules, as such, for The Speccie comp (apart from 16 lines max and keeping to the theme), though to "re-write" a poem would seem to indicate that a parody is called for, in my opinion. But you don't necessarily have to keep to the original rhyme scheme!

I would suggest that you submit your Killarney entry as it is; you can always offer Lucy an alternative version as well

Thanks to all for the advice. Maybe I'll leave Killarney for now. Would I get away with the non-rhyming fourth line below, or am I being a bit too smart?

Go, friendly bombs, and rain on Seoul
and everywhere from pole to pole
not under the direct control
of Kim Jong-un.

The world will pay for its aggression
towards our freedom of expression.
There’ll be no mercy or concession
from Kim Jong-un.

Our glorious guns will raze the earth
from north to south and round its girth,
provoking most magnificent mirth
in Kim Jong-un.

Then our benevolent paradigm
will rule unto the end of time.
No mortal word is fit to rhyme
with Kim Jong-un.

Maybe if I submitted under the alias Kim Jong-un?

[Brian Allgar]

I like it, Peter! Actually, it's not true to say that the fourth line doesn't rhyme, but rather that it's the same rhyme every time - appropriately enough for a depiction of monomania.

My only quibble is with the metre of this line:

provoking most magnificent mirth

How about this?

provoking most stupendous mirth

("Benevolent" in the last stanza has a similar problem, but in a much milder form - the contraction "benev'lent" is quite common, and to my ear perfectly acceptable.)

[Douglas G. Brown]

Peter,
This is very good. I have a South Korean friend, who watches South Korean TV on Dish Network, and this guy is always made out as a real nutcase ... even more so then in our media.
Perhaps you might consider substituting "my celestial" for "our benevolent", since Mr. Kim seems to think that he is equivalent to some ancient dynastic Chinese emporer.

[Brian Allgar]

I second Douglas's suggestion, though I think "our celestial" would be better. And it makes a nice foil to "mortal" in the penultimate line.

[Jerome Betts]

Welcome aboard, Peter. Ingenious piece. I think Brian's point about the appropriateness of the identity rhymes is very good.

In any case, you provide a relevant justification in the last stanza.

I would guess that 'rewriting' means produce something that has some recognisable relationship to the original and you've kept the distinctive AAA CCC four foot lines.

You have one set of feminine rhymes, whereas my entry had three. I just don't know whether this departure from Betjeman's exclusively masculine rhyme scheme disqualifies or not, but I wouldn't have thought so, as the other Betjemanian markers are there.

For a fraction of a second I thought you'd added a new twist with 'Seoul' as an anagram of 'Slough'. Nearly - maybe one of the medieval spellings?

Good luck to us all.

[Peter Goulding]

Many thanks to all for the welcome and the feedback. You are quite right - both magnificent and benevolent jar.
Our celestial is much better. Thanks!

[John Whitworth]

I don''t se why you haven't got a winner here. At any rate it's in the frame, particularly after Brian's amendments. Make use of your Roget to find the words that scan best.

[Jayne Osborn]

Yes, nice one, Peter!

Just wondering, though - it seems a tad clichéd to say unto the end of time when the rest of the language is up-to-date; wouldn't "until the end of time" do just as well?

This is so original and unusual that I hope you get a prize for it

Jayne