[Graham King]

Originally Posted by John Whitworth

I am the very model of a modern Major-general. Sheer pastiche.

Fine work, John, whether as pastiche or not!


I floss my nostrils daily with a toothpick and some thread
I’ve spun from a year’s-worth of navel-lint;
I keep a Christmas bauble in that socket in my head
My glass eye fell from: My, but it does glint!
I shave with a veg-peeler then I peel veg with the same -
For two such tools would be a shame and waste;
I wear the clothes I sleep in, which I found dumped in a skip.
I eat raw silt; it has an earthy taste.
I never use a lighter – shove my ciggies in the fire
Held between my toes: it makes my tootsies brown
While igniting the nicotine (I often smoke a pair
At once, so as to keep the effort down.)
I leave cats in my dentist’s waiting room to run about
(Boy, you should hear folks shriek at all their play!)
Then trundle home in someone else’s car I’ve just picked out;
All this outlines my average fun-filled day.