[Jerome Betts]

Goodness, Rob and Brian, cutting stuff, pitch-black Where are the songs of spring. Jug, jug . . . jugular . . .

[Roger Slater]

Spring Fever

As cherry blossoms fill the trees
and rustle in the vernal breeze
I learn that I have allergies
that make me gasp, turn blue, and wheeze.

All winter long I cursed the snow
and wished it gone. I did not know,
when spring made sticky blossoms grow,
I'd choke and miss the winter so.

[Jerome Betts]

Withdrawn for tinkering

[Graham King]

Much cleverness and skill evinced, above.
I feel like going off at a less-literal tangent...


Revision#2
Returned from lonely wanderings,
I need to rest: to ease my state
And let due comfort balm my limbs,
As daffodils I contemplate…
Ah, couch where I so oft recline!
One Dorothy and I now own -
An ancient heirloom of our line
That with the years threadbare has grown -
Whose steel has mettle still to bend
Yet supple stay, supporting well,
With horsehair cushioning one’s end,
Thus softly sounding most aches’ knell!
Thus over-confident - accursed! -
Unwarily I settle. But -
Rude fact! - unseen, one spring has burst
Its bonds... and sharply meets my scut.


Revision#1

Returned from wandering, I claim
A need for rest, to ease my state
And let due comfort balm my frame
As daffodils I contemplate…
'Ah, couch where I so oft recline!'
(Which Dorothy and I now own:
An ancient heirloom of our line,
That has with the years threadbare grown;
Whose steel has mettle still to bend
Yet supple stay, supporting well;
With horsehair cushioning one’s end -
A softness that sounds most aches’ knell!)
Thus over-confident - accursed! -
Unwarily I settle. But -
Rude fact! - beneath, one spring has burst
Its bonds... and sharply meets my scut.


Original
Returned from wandering, I find
Need for some pose to ease my state
And let due comfort balm my mind,
As daffodils I contemplate…
So for the couch I swift repine
That Dorothy and I now own:
An ancient heirloom of our line,
That with the years threadbare has grown;
Whose steel has mettle still to bend
Yet supple stay, supporting well,
With horsehair cushioning one’s end -
A softness that sounds most aches’ knell.
Thus over-confident - accurst! -
Unwarily I drop down. Jut!
Rude fact! - Inside, one spring has burst
Its bounds, and sharply greets my scut.

In L14 instead of 'Jut!' I could have 'But -', or I could keep 'Jut!' and replace L16 'scut' with 'butt' (the word I first thought of).
I opted for the rabbit's tail as more tactfully metaphorical, and maybe apt to Wordsworth's pastoral mindscape;
'butt' seemed too modern and crude. Or would jarring mismatch be a plus here?
Also,
I wondered whether L13 'accurst' was too archly archaic. I do want to avoid 'accursed' being read as 'accursèd'.

Opinions, anyone? Please!

[Jerome Betts]

Nice twist on 'spring', Graham. Not 'butt', I think. Clashes, as you say, with 'Wordsworthian' register of the rest.

Maybe . . . 'That threadbare with the years has grown' or ' That with the years has threadbare grown' ?

Don't understand 'swift repine'. Maybe break after points of suspension and resume 'Ah, couch where I so oft recline' ?

I dont think anyone would read 'accursed' as 'accursED'; the metrical pattern should take care of it. Don't know which spelling W.W. himself used. Might be checkable.

I would prefer 'But' to the odd 'Jut!'
Viz,' But -
Rude fact! - inside, one spring has burst . . .'

Hope this is of help.

[Graham King]

Thanks for your help, Jerome!
Oddly I hadn't thought of 'recline'...
By 'swift repine' I meant 'swiftly yearn', but I see it is clumsy and obscure. Also repine seems to imply yearning that goes unsatisfied; often, but not exclusively, unrequited love. Here, true, the poet's yearning for comfort goes rudely unmet, but it doesn't suit to foreshadow that.

[Jerome Betts]

I think Lines 8 and 12 are still a bit off

L8 Either original That with the years threadbare has grown
or two previous suggestions.

You don't need the single quotes round Ah, . . . recline!

Maybe start bracketed section with This instead of Which?

Adjustments for Lines 12 and 13?

With horsehair pads to please one's end
A softness sounding most aches' knell

I usually do points of suspension like this . . . rather than ... which might be taken as full stops in inadvertent triplicate. But I could be wrong.