[Brian Allgar]

My uncle’s a fruitcake, my auntie’s a tart;
My niece is a crumpet, and sells à la carte;
My nephew? Name any perversion, he’ll risk it;
When vice is on offer, that creep takes the biscuit.

My cousin, a gardener, visits the felons
In prison, to give them a taste of her melons.
Her daughter’s a baker, and constantly stuns
With her succulent, spicy, delectable buns.

My sister’s a cracker, and turns many heads
(And she also turns up in a great many beds}.
My brother’s a chef, but he’s working with crooks
In “Creative Accountancy”, cooking the books.

My son teaches maths, and eats tubers and shoots,
Thanks to which he’s invented the square pie of roots.
As for me, I’ve a taste for exotic Sultanas,
But don’t tell my wife - she would just go bananas!