[Ann Drysdale]

Oo- I'm going to be cheeky. "Quite" in the last line feels like a bit of a filler. How about "it would send her bananas"?

[Brian Allgar]

Originally Posted by Ann Drysdale

Oo- I'm going to be cheeky. "Quite" in the last line feels like a bit of a filler. How about "it would send her bananas"?

Thank you, Ann. As usual, I posted an early version that I'll continue tweaking before I send it, but you've saved me the trouble of scratching my head over one bit that I wasn't happy with.

[Jayne Osborn]

Not politically correct (the rubric subtly makes it clear that it's not an issue, methinks)... but this is very closely based on a true story about someone I used to know.

My sister made a Christmas cake
and, just about to marzipan it,
her schizophrenic boyfriend came
(nice lad, though on another planet!
He'd taken drugs which screwed his brain
at uni, out in Arkansas);
our parents desperately hoped
he wouldn't be their son-in-law.

My sister let him ice the cake,
which looked a sorry mess to me.
"A work of art," he proudly said,
"let's have some with a cup of tea."
At this point Dad came home. He'd missed
the bike outside (a vital clue):
"Will we have Nutty Fruitcake here
tonight?" he asked. Mum sighed, "We do."

[Nicholas Stone]

I do like that, Jayne! Do you think your old acquaintance is an Oldie reader. . . ?

[Jayne Osborn]

Thanks, Nico. I'm pretty sure he isn't -- so there's not much danger of him recognising himself as Nutty Fruitcake!

[Rob Stuart]

My wife made me that. It’s my birthday today.
Oh I know, she’s a wonderful girl.
She’d blow all them judges on Bake Off away
Would my beautiful, talented Shirl.

I can’t wait to taste it. I love how she’s done
Me initials in cherries. This cake
Is just what I wanted. I can’t give you none
I’m afraid. That would be a mistake.

She’d kill me. I never know how, but I swear
When I’m lying my missus can tell.
She don’t ever make me no presents to share,
So I’d best take it back to me cell.

And later, by light of my lighter, a slice
Off the end will reveal there’s a pile
Of currants inside, and a touch of mixed spice...
And the end of a bloody great file.

[Ann Drysdale]

Psssst - "a" mistake???

That'll cost yer, Sunshine. Snout?

[Peter Goulding]

Originally Posted by Rob Stuart

My wife made me that. It’s my birthday today.
Oh I know, she’s a wonderful girl.
She’d blow all them judges on Bake Off away
Would my beautiful, talented Shirl.

I can’t wait to taste it. I love how she’s done
Me initials in cherries. This cake
Is just what I wanted. I can’t give you none
I’m afraid. That would be a mistake.

She’d kill me. I never know how, but I swear
When I’m lying my missus can tell.
She don’t ever make me no presents to share,
So I’d best take it back to me cell.

And later, by light of my lighter, a slice
Off the end will reveal there’s a pile
Of currants inside, and a touch of mixed spice...
And the end of a bloody great file.

She sent me a hammer, a bloody great hammer,
with a fruitcake secreted within it.
It wasn’t the way we had planned it, God damn her –
the guards sussed it out in a minute.

She sent me a fruitcake with a file inside
and the bars of my cell were soon worn through.
But after the fruitcake, my girth was too wide
to fit through the bars I had sawn through.