[Brian Allgar]

(My filing system being virtually non-existent, I can't remember whether either of these has appeared anywhere.)

xxxxLunch with Lewis

Invited to lunch with my friend ‘Lewis Carroll’ –
The Reverend Dodgson – immured in his cloisters,
I thought to surprise him by bringing a barrel
Containing six dozen delectable oysters.

He chatted incessantly, one of his habits,
And wondered if goldfish would grow into sharks,
Bemoaning the shortage of gloves for White Rabbits,
And blaming the dearth on sartorial Snarks.

He spoke of policemen who knitted a truncheon …
His thoughts, it appeared, were beginning to drift.
Believing the moment had come for our luncheon,
I offered my ostreicultural gift.

“How kind, my dear fellow! But – don’t think me selfish –
I eat only salads prepared by my cousin.
Alas! I’m allergic to all kinds of shellfish.”
He nibbled his lettuce. I ate the six dozen.

xxxxDinner with Tennyson

I went for dinner with Lord Tennyson
Expecting that a plate of venison
Would be, as usual, our evening fare.
Not so! “Tonight”, he said, “We’ve something rare;
I caught the creature in a nearby lake,
And trust I can induce you to partake.”
He offered me a glass of hock and soda;
The dish was served; a fishy, gamey odour,
A disconcerting taste, not wholly pleasant,
Half-way between a mackerel and a pheasant.
I murmured somewhat guarded approbation,
And complimented Tennyson’s collation.
He beamed. “Time was, I favoured deer or beef,
But find this succulent beyond belief,
So now, all other meats I have forsaken,
And dine exclusively on roasted Kraken.”