Hi Susan I like the original and the changes you are making. Many very ingenious and enjoyable twists and turns.
I thought S1L1 “barbed wire of anger” was maybe a little grandiloquent, especially right at the start of the piece. I would probably go with something like “Do anger and barbed wire bind your heart?”
And S4 was a little too knotty for me to easily untangle. Trying to get the “blind eye” (Nelson?) and the “hunting blind” to fit together in a single line feels very ambitious. You might simplify it
They say that love is blind. That may be so
Or does it hide behind a blind, your heart?
" Ensues" struck me a slightly odd in the final couplet. I would have gone with "happens". I’d never heard of a Takhallus, so your confused "susan" went straight over my head. But it is very clever.
Good fun
Joe
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