[Carl Copeland]

A revision is up that may be a real ghazal (not just a wooden puppet).

[Matt Q]

Hi Carl,

Just a couple of quick thoughts on the revision.

"the Eden rose that, ere it blow, is going"

Should that be "blows"? I can't get "it blow" to work grammatically.

"They desecrate my chamber. To the wind
go petals, faces, words—a poem going."

I wonder if "go" gives you too much go-ing in the second line. It might be worth playing with a different verb. "Now the wind / steals petals" (or "takes" or "lifts") maybe? Or "And the wind ...". Stealing seems to fit with (or add to) the desecrating.

"All into Lethe’s numbing flow is going."

A little unwieldy in its inversion seems this line.

best,

Matt

[Carl Copeland]

Thanks, Matt. Your thoughts are always appreciated.

Originally Posted by Matt Q

Should that be "blows"? I can't get "it blow" to work grammatically.

It’s meant to be subjunctive (as confirmed by Two Gentlemen of Verona: “the most forward bud / Is eaten by the canker ere it blow”). But the phrase is too faux-archaic and was gone before I saw your comment.

Originally Posted by Matt Q

I wonder if "go" gives you too much go-ing in the second line. It might be worth playing with a different verb.

I actually put it in because I liked the repetition, but you may be right. I can always revert to “In the sand / drift.” I used sand to hint at my original image of pyramid robbers.

Originally Posted by Matt Q

"All into Lethe’s numbing flow is going."

A little unwieldy in its inversion seems this line.

I’m afraid this may be the price I pay for a real ghazal, but think on it I will.