[Matt Q]

Originally Posted by Carl Copeland

I wonder if “How heavily you weigh” is one of those awkward phrasings. My original version of S1 was:

Nicotine-filled lungs, a hazy brain,
creeping fog … Upon the heart you weigh
so heavy—baptized early by an icy rain,
now a whiny, yellow-swaddled day!

I'm guessing you intended to lose, "early", as it's redundant? Otherwise L3 is hexameter. I do think it's better without "early".

I don't think "how heavily you weigh" sounds awkward in itself, but it does rather raise the question, "on what?". I think the version above makes it clearer as to who "you" is -- that it isn't self-address. It does seem more awkward though, with that inversion. And shouldn't it be "heavily"? Though I think this construction is more acceptable in the US.

Thanks for the links. I found a few of his poems online, too.

Matt