[Glenn Wright]

Hi, David—

I don’t think this piece is too self-indulgent, but it is very much turned inward. The loss of a loved one is the most personal of subjects and makes the writer most vulnerable. You do a fine job of remaining controlled and composed. However, as a reader, I want a bit more in the way of images to hold onto. It seems to me that the N is focusing on the technical considerations of the music in order to avoid directly confronting his grief.

The last line is a bit set up, but I was surprised at how well it works.

One thing that struck me was that no detail of the departed loved one is shared. Could you help me to imagine her by giving a unique characteristic detail (an expression, a gesture, a garment) or two? I also wondered where the N is during the poem. Is he at her grave? The restaurant where they quietly celebrated her fiftieth birthday fifteen years ago? The house they shared?

Glenn

[Roger Slater]

I wouldn't call it self-indulgent at all. My problem, though, is that the line breaks do not seem to be pulling their weight, which for me means they are not guiding or assisting the reader in terms of pace or phrasing or visual comfort. In terms of content, I think maybe you rely a bit too much on song titles and you are counting on the reader to know and feel the same way about the songs and what they evoke as you do, and you don't tell us enough about the I/you relationship for us to really get a sense of what they mean to these particular people.

[Nick McRae]

IMO, this poem is a pretty good example of what's essential for poetry to resonate. You've achieved a pretty strong punch with this one with fairly subdued and modest language, and the reason for that, I think, is that your feeling is really coming through. It's emotional content like this where poetry shines.

I agree with Roger that it could be tightened up a bit. But honestly, most of it worked reasonably well for me except the last four lines. The lines themselves have the core of a good close, but the rhythm and execution felt a little off to me.

And I'll just add that my wife and I are coming up on 40, and 50 is feeling uncomfortably close after reading this.