Hi Alex.
the fixed, confrontational/glaring look
That's what I was taking from it.
Still struggling with that 'out' in L10. Might there be a word/sound that shows him inhaling? Something to pair with achoo? Or a description of the scent (tart rather sprang to mind.) Or simply just "inside his nose. Then he"?
Not keen on 'dapples dust' (not the most noirish of words, dapples. I'm also overlooking how the backstreet has become a road.)
There was a hint of menace in the earlier versions, but this line rather removes it.
He’s down, with cheer, to show
Just a thought
His butt braced on a T-Bird's hood
......... some rent-a-muscle shows
off steroid arms. Sleeves tattooed.
......... He pours her in. It rumbles low . . .
They’re off, smoke gobbling air like food.
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