[James Brancheau]

Ok, it stays. Thanks so much for coming back, Richard and Hilary. Greatly appreciated. And I'll give "chug" some more thought.

[Julie Steiner]

Yes, "Takeaway" is exactly the right title, James! I've been too busy to say so, but I'll say it now.

[Alex Pepple]

Hello, James,

This is really well realized. I love how the expansiveness suggested by “explorer” is undercut as he's reduced to an island within the mundane setting of a mall—the flora nothing more than a plastic plant pilfered from a Chinese restaurant. That quiet shrinking of metaphor carries a touch of the tragicomic that works especially well in the opening.

The poem grows with a quiet force, building from that understated start to something emotionally resonant and, by the end, genuinely heartbreaking. The final stanzas hit hard in all the right ways.

I also agree with others: Takeaway is the perfect title—understated, ironic, and thematically layered.

Really well done, James!

Cheers,
...Alex

[James Brancheau]

Hey Julie-- I was very pleasantly surprised to see you popping in. Thank you! I really wanted to keep the title, but wasn't certain that it was functioning the way I wanted it to. Fortunately, it appears that it is.

Thank you very much for the very kind words, Alex. I'm thrilled that this is working so well for you. When I'm down about my writing, which will probably be next week, I'll reread your response.

[Jim Moonan]

Originally Posted by David Callin

the rhyming - intentional or not - of "numb" and "dumb" - takes me out of the flow of the poem. Maybe I just need to live with it a little while longer.

Cheers

David

I'm often dumfounded (slight pun there) at what takes one "out of the flow" of poem. It's almost always a matter of taste — like wallpaper or the way the furniture in the room is arranged. Sometimes it can't be changed without losing something that is uniquely poetic to that poet. Just wanted to mention it.

There is another rhyme that occurs in the identical way in the poem:

There he was, an explorer lost
and small, stranded on an island

in the gloss of the empty mall
beside our stained paper bags


That's not to say that I don't experience remorse at having "arranged" a poem in a certain way only to come back and cringe at my word choice : ). I do. With shocking regularity. It's as if my ghost-muse is taunting me to say something in a way I will regret — ha!

James, the poem is a wonderful example of where poetry is found — which is pretty much everywhere — waiting for you.

.

[David Callin]

Originally Posted by James Brancheau

I didn’t anticipate that, David. But I think that I get your reaction to that moment of the poem. It is a rather blunt thump. I went with it because there’s something very family about it. At least my family.

I thought it might be something along those lines. And it should therefore definitely (probably) stay in the poem.

Repentant cheers

David

[James Brancheau]

Thanks muchly, Jim. I agree, though taste does matter. Especially when it comes to things such as freshness, and how much sound complements or detracts from a poem. And ultimately you can agree or disagree, of course. But yes yes, you have to find and go with that voice. Which I’ve always considered that glorious final frontier. And then you go find another one, haha.

Thanks for coming back, David. No no, I’m very grateful for the input. You may be right. Though important to me, it’s not an oh shit moment and I’ll wait a little while for new eyes (and ears) to look at it again.